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Jessica Alba in 2005; Into the Blue.

We all knew that life ended when people got married. So, if that’s the case, then life is definitely completely over once you start popping out babies. Who the hell wants to fuck a woman who’s had kids? Gross. She’s probably covered in stretch marks, her vagina is a huge, open wonky gash and she’s absolutely, completely a mess. I’m throwing up in my mouth just at the thought of it.

As our sister site, Mommyish, pointed out, The Daily Mail is literally stunned that after two kids and eight years later, Jessica Alba is able to have the same body she had back in 2005 when she was in that award-winning film, Into the Blue. How could this be? The Daily Mail wants answers! She should be vile and disgusting by now with a stretched out vagina and saggy boobs! Women aren’t supposed to be attractive or have kick ass bodies after turning themselves into baby-making machines and growing old! HOW MANY VIRGINS ARE BEING KILLED JUST SO JESSICA ALBA CAN DRINK THEIR BLOOD IN ORDER TO STAY THIS WAY?

The Daily Mail writes:

She proved that she still has the same amazing figure, despite giving birth to two kids in the interim.

“Despite,” you guys! It’s important to remember exactly what this woman has been through in order to really understand just how shocking this all is that her body is still so awesome.

The Daily Mail is drunk and needs to sober up. I don’t care if it’s past 5pm in the UK, because this is bloody bollocks (I heard them say that in Love Actually.)

Via Mommyish/Photo: Columbia Pictures