I lay awake at night worrying about this and did them at 4:00 in the morning. Sometimes, things end in disaster. Other things don’t! HOW WILL THIS STORY END?

I’ll tell you how it began, like a Truman Capote novel. So, I guess insert something about repressed homosexuality either in high society or the deep south. Amanda Chatel was having a black and white themed birthday party. Like Truman’s. It was beautiful. Here were the balloons.

So, in much the manner of Babe Paley, or some modern day Holly Golightly, I decided I would bring a pumpple (it was whiskey buttermilk, double cherry and white icing this time, otherwise, the rules for cake with two pies in it remain the same) and chocolate dipped oreos. The pumpple actually didn’t concern me at all. Because it’s not that hard.

But the Oreos.

To be fair, it was partly Ashley’s fault because she gave me some speech about using bakers chocolate and peeling it off in fine shavings, which all the while made me think, “how would I even do that? With a cheese grater? People have cheese graters?” Meanwhile, I found this recipe online, which looked pretty simple, but it had this review:

“This is the worst recipe that I have EVER tried. Don’t be fooled by how easy it looks because it is not simple. the directions are way too vague!!!!! melting the mixture in the microwave was a total disaster!!!!! luckily I have had enough experience in the kitchen that I knew that I should put it in a saucepan on the stove. I was able to salvage the chocolate by adding more margarine and thinning it out with milk as I melted it over a low heat….DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME & MONEY! Please try a different recipe….”

I will say that everything in my life up until this point has caused me to be mistrustful of the competence of anyone who uses five exclamation points. Nonetheless, I kept thinking about chocolate being salvaged, like it was some kind of wreckage. In any event, the whole thing caused me to wake up at 4:00, and I lay in bed thinking about what margarine had to do with anything, and how I didn’t buy bakers chocolate, because I don’t really know what that is. I bought some dark chocolate chips and some white chocolate chips. “Fuck it,” I thought, “just do this. Show the world they don’t need a cheese grater. Or margarine.”

So what you supposedly need are:

12 oz of chocolate chips (one bag)

12 oz of white chocolate chips

A box – or two! – of double stuff oreos

Crisco (vegetable shortening)

A pot

A pan lined with tinfoil.

For our readers who hate to read, here is a picture of pretty much all of that:

chocolate dipped oreos

You take the chocolate chips and put them into a pot. Add one tablespoon of Crisco (it will be marked in tablespoon lines on the side of the package, which is helpful). This will transform regular chocolate into this elusive “bakers chocolate” as if by magic. Or maybe not? It depends entirely on what “baker’s chocolate” is, which, hell, I still have no idea. It felt right to type that, though. Here’s a picture of chocolate chips with Crisco added in:

Then you keep the heat on the stove on low until the chocolate melts smoothly (without burning). Or you can turn it all the way up to high and it will melt in approximately 30 seconds! I guess it depends on how much you like danger, and throwing caution to the wind.

I love danger.

Once you’ve done that, you’re going to want to turn the heat down to low, and drop in an Oreo. Like so:

I thought perhaps it would be best to leave the bottom of the Oreo un-coated by chocolate, because I was worried it would stick to the tinfoil, but that actually didn’t present any problem. They’re not really that sticky. So, quickly turn the Oreo over in the chocolate using a fork or spoon. (Sort of submerge it from above, then pull it out with the fork or spoon. It’s not too hard).

I used a fork. Also, steam or heat in the kitchen plays havoc with iPhone cameras.

When you’ve finished, deposit the Oreos onto a pan lined with tinfoil. Do this with all of them. Then put them in the fridge. After about 15 minutes, the chocolate will harden.

They come out beautiful. And light reflecting, I guess, like an angel-dessert. Like a dessert straight from goddamn heaven.


Clearly, I was feeling pretty smug at this point. It was 5:00 in the morning and I’d already finished off all the dark chocolate Oreos.

I tried to move onto the white.

I swear I did exactly the same things.


Then dark chocolate somehow started exploding out of the white chocolate as it heated up. It wasn’t white at all! It was some sort of weird dark and white chocolate blend. That somehow began to caramelize. At first I thought that I just haven’t cleaned the pot out well enough and there still must have been massive, well hidden globs of dark chocolate in there.I cursed my own foolishness.

Fortunately, since the bag of white chocolate chips was massive, and I only had two rows of Oreos left, I hadn’t used all the chips. So I tried in the microwave the remaining ones in an entirely new bowl. Same problem.

I don’t know what went wrong. Is this something white chocolate does when you heat it up? It just turns brown? Dark chocolate comes out of it?

Is this something that happens when you add in Crisco to white chocolate?

Was it, specifically, the brand I used? I began wondering if “callebaut white chocolate chips” was a code for “the kind of chocolate that may appear white on the outside but is dark on the inside?” Like an albino with great rhythm, I suppose.

I know that joke could have been offensive, but, I figure, albinos have psychic powers, so they could see that coming, anyway.

Look. I tried to salvage it by dumping a stick of butter into it. That didn’t work. I’m sorry I have no pictures, but it was getting steamy in the kitchen and everything was terrible and there really should just be a picture of me trembling before the bowl and mouthing “why? WHY?”. Here is a picture of how it felt:

So. There were no charming drizzles atop the dark chocolate Oreos, which I was planning on using a chopstick to do (with the white chocolate). There were also no white chocolate Oreos. What the fuck is wrong with white chocolate? Please tell me, it seems like some sort of nightmare substance. !!!!!