Dude, and I was wearing an apron, and everything.

Oh my God cooking is awful. It is awful. And, oh, I was so smug. The worst part of this story is that, as I was preparing this nightmare Tribble concoction that has taken over my oven, I kept thinking of the member of our man panel who broke up with his girlfriend because she couldn’t make a proper pie. I actually thought to myself, “you know, his ex-girlfriend was kind of dumb.” And she was. That is a true thing. But not because of that, okay? Not because of that. 

Let’s go back to the beginning. I had a Memorial Party to go to. We decided I would not make pie. You did not come up with effective enough suggestions, so I was pretty much on my own on this one.

I hate you.

That aside, my refrigerator and cabinets – amazingly – are now stocked with most of the things you need to make brownies (eggs, flour, sugar, salt, inexplicable leftover cocoa). And the yams mean that I still have a massive bag of marshmallows. So I figured – marshmallow brownies, a childhood favorite! I did not experience them as a child. But I do see brownies with marshmallow tops in the bodega sometimes, and they look like they’d be really delicious, but they are right on top of granola bars, so I usually feel guilty and buy a granola bar. Not this time! Not this time, though.

We digress.

In any case, I began looking up recipes. There are a great deal of them! Here is one.

This seems straightforward, right?

1 cup margarine (2 sticks)
2 cups sugar
1/3 cup cocoa
4 eggs
1 1/2 cup flour
1 tsp salt
2 tsp vanilla
1 (10 oz) package of miniature marshmallows
Soften margarine and blend in sugar and cocoa.  Beat together and add 4 eggs, one at a time, mixing after each one.  Add flour, salt and vanilla and mix well.
Spread on large greased *********cookie sheet*********.  Bake 22-25 minutes at 350.  Remove from oven and cover entire top with 1 package of miniature marshmallows.  Return to oven for 3 minutes, until marshmallows are soft and puffy.  Cool and frost with chocolate frosting.

You know what I liked about this recipe? The way it said “cookie sheet.”

Read that part a thousand times. Read the part where it says cookie sheet. It’s there? We’re all seeing that with our eyeballs and our brains?

COOKIE SHEET!

I don’t think they actually meant a cookie sheet, because everything is about to get awful.

Believe me, there are maybe 2,985,708,707,676 recipes entitled “marshmallow brownies” but 99.5% of them require a 9 inch pan. Do you have a 9 inch pan? Do you have a pan? Any pan?

Fuck you.

Some people don’t have pans, because some people don’t sit around watching Julia Child and The Martha Stewart Living Channel and The Channel That Caters To People Who Buy Pans For Fun (TCTCTPWBPFF). Some people really have to watch HBO because Game of Thrones is on and Kings Landing is under seige, okay?

Who do you pretend you are when watching Game of Thrones? I pretend I’m Joffrey!

That said, here is something that is a nice combination of all those things that I think we can all feel good about:

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The way it combined them was by featuring cooking (TCTCTPWBPFF) as well as unexpected violence and prominent breasts (Game of Thrones).

So what I’m saying is: I don’t have a pan.

But I had a cookie sheet! And I realize I spend money on dresses and I could buy a fucking pan, but it was late, and I cannot overstate how much I hate grocery stores and how happy I was that I didn’t have to go to one.

Fine, it was not actually late. Well, it was 6:00. That could be late for narcoleptics. Not for me! I just really, really hate grocery stores.

DON’T USE A COOKIE SHEET TO MAKE BROWNIES.

This, in addition to “use proper protection while having sex” and “don’t let douchebags gaslight you”  is probably the Gloss sponsored public service message I’m most proud of.

Alas, no one gave me such a public service announcement. To be fair, they also did not give me a public service announcement warning against shoving pretzels up my nose, perhaps because they assumed I didn’t need one. I neededthe cookie sheet thing.

So, I poured the batter out over a cookie sheet – I really spread the batter very beautifully, with a spoon, so it rippled delicately across that cookie sheet. It was like God fashioning the moor. And then I put it in the oven.

I will say that after 10 minutes I noticed it did not smell great, but I was watching Mad Men.

After 20 minutes, I noticed steam coming out of my oven and I thought “oh, maybe the oven is broken.”

It turns out you shouldn’t bake brownies on a fucking cookie sheet.  They spill wildly over the sides and it looks as though some sort of monster has come and defecated in your oven. Like this:

It’s like the brownies shit all over the oven.

Fortunately, there will still a lot on the pan, although they didn’t really cook. So I scooped up a chunk of half cooked, steaming brownie batter and mixed it in a cup with marshmallows. I’m not quitter! Great cooks improvise! It looked like this:

It looks appetizing, right? No. No, it was mostly blackened and half baked and filled with month old marshmallows, and it immediately made me sick.

So.

I brought lambrusco to the party. Seemed fine.

Story over.

Oh! Anyone know how this “autoclean” setting works? Anything unforeseen I should prepare for? How awful is it going to be? I mostly scraped the brownie overflow out with a knife.