There’s no real way to intro a story on the Lohan family and win: it’s all very sad.
Yes, actually everything pertaining to the Lohans is just sad. Lindsay Lohan needs no explanation, Dina Lohan recently tried to undersell her DUI by saying she drank “two, well… three” glasses of wine before driving a car and Michael… Michael Lohan needs no explanation either.
But just when you thought there was a limited number of Lohans, here come the love children!
Meet 18-year-old Ashley Horn, totally congruent with the Lohan mold of existential agony, self-righteous obliviousness and pathological lying. Ashley’s mother Kristi had a “brief affair” with Michael Lohan in the early ’90s when he was married to now ex Dina–and after 18 long mortifying years of anonymity, Horn’s decided to make a name for herself by undergoing a series of plastic surgeries to look more like Lindsay.
Only, like, a hotter Lindsay. No, seriously.
After $25,000 and five procedures, Horn is ready for her close up. She tells InTouch:
“I’ve gotten rhinoplasty, a bit of refinement underneath my cheeks and jawline, some fat injected into my chin and some fat injected into my upper cheeks.”
Wait, though, it gets way better/worse.
“My goal was to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was around 18, 19 years old.”
And now? “I’m hotter than Lindsay!,” she explains. “I have no problem saying that.”
Deep breaths, everyone.
And even though a gif of Worf sighing and defeatedly resting his face in his palms says it all–Michael Lohan has feelings about this (Michael Lohan would issue a statement to a row of stuffed animals if someone had a tape recorder). He tells Radar:
“Do you think my daughters actually would want to have anything to do with Ashley when all she’s trying to do is ride on Lindsay and Ali’s coattails? I don’t think so,” he told Radar.
Sidenote: the idea of “riding Ali Lohan’s coattails” is… positively surreal.
“I think it’s sick, and somewhat pathetic, that a mother would allow her 18-year-old to do such a thing when Dina and I would NEVER condone anything like that for Ali or Lindsay. And other than maybe a little lip plumper, nothing was ever done with either of my daughters.”
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
(Photo via InTouch)