We all have our crosses to bear in life. I was not blessed with huge … tracts of land. I don’t tend to lose too much sleep over that, but sometimes a person wants to change things up a bit, especially for Halloween. Maybe you’ve got an Anna Nicole Smith or Kim Kardashian costume on the hanger, or maybe you just want to fill out that Sexy Bumblebee costume really well. Luckily, giant boobs are really easy to fake.
How to make your boobs look giant (even when they’re not):
- 2 padded, push-up bras
- Bronzer and highlighter
- Pair of socks
- Safety pin (optional)
To start with, this is what I look like normally:
And this is what I look like in a standard “ZOMG Add 2 Sizes!” WonderBra. (When putting on the bra, lean over and grab your boob and any extra side flesh and haul it into the cups.)
That’s not too bad, but it’s not going to make my Kim Kardashian costume look any more believable. To really shove them up there, I roll up a gym sock into a little tube and stuff it into the bra cup, along the underwire at the outside edge so it sort of shoves the boob further up and to the center. There are silicone and water-filled bust inserts for that purpose, but I personally prefer socks because I like to be able to squash them into whatever shape I think will work best. (Also I once used a pair of water-filled bust inserts, and then my mother-in-law’s dog got one and ate it. He was so sad. He took one good chomp and whatever foul-tasting, non-water substance was in there started melting out in his mouth. He looked incredibly distressed, but he just kept chewing while I was like, “No, Kipper, you don’t want that. Give that back! No, don’t take it to show my mother-in-law…”)
Once the socks are in place, the biggest thing you can do to make your boobs look giant on photos is to do some contouring with makeup. Any contouring powder or bronzer will work. I use a L’Oreal GlamBronze Duo bronzer compact because it has both highlighter and bronzer in it, and I apply it with a large brush for the bronzer and a smaller blush brush for the highlighter.
Take the bronzer part and dust it on your chest between your boobs and over each one in a Y shape. I like to do that before putting on any of the bras, because if I put a bra on first it’s harder to get the brush in between the boobs. Once the bronzer is on, then put the bra on and apply the highlighter to the swell of the boob.
I also put a tinted moisturizer all over my chest, basically from chin to nipple. That makes sure my chest skin matches my face skin and creates an even canvas for the bronzer so it will stay longer. Here’s what the WonderBra looks like with bonus socks and contouring makeup:
That’s better, but at this point the boobs are in kind of a precarious position. Thanks to the socks, they’re basically over the edge of the first push-up bra now, and could come flying out at any moment. In profile, the fact that I’ve padded myself into next week is extremely obvious. Your mileage may vary, but in my case the nipples are basically sticking out over the edge of the first bra, which is not attractive. So now I put on another underwire push-up bra. This one is a basic WonderBra push-up bra in a 32-DD with the straps as tight as I can make them. Again, bend over to make sure all the boob tissue is in the cup where it belongs.
Then put on the second bra. That looks like this:
Now the first bra is basically a solid, sock-stuffed boob-sling upon which the real boobs are resting, with another padded push-up bra over all that to make the resulting Frankenboob look like it might be an actual boob to the outside observer. This is where I normally stop, but if you want them to look even bigger or get a more pushed-up look, several of my friends swear by grabbing all four bra straps and safety pinning them together near the base of your neck. That will be uncomfortable as heck, but will give you a bustline like whoa. According to Deviantart user Pomp-Berry, using racerback bras gives much the same effect, and I suspect it would be slightly more comfortable. But it all depends on exactly how big you want to go, and I almost always just stop after the second push-up bra and call it a day.
Also, having a tan will make this look way more impressive in photos. Fair skin tends to flatten out on film, while a tan emphasizes contour.
I should reiterate that this feels really weird and is not a thing to wear if your Halloween plans involve a desire to be relaxed and/or comfortable. Your photos might come back looking like you were naturally blessed with either very large breasts or the money to buy a good pair of implants, but you will never forget that you are squashed into multiple tight bras stuffed with heavy socks all night. Wearing all these bras can make a person look like a large-breasted woman, but I know of no trick that will make me actually feel like one.
Also it usually feels like your boobs will come flying out of this scaffolding at any point, but I’ve never seen that actually happen, so you’re probably safe.
Update: In fact, to see the safety pin “bonus hoist” in action and a particularly impressive performance of the multi-bra technique, check out this awesome “How to trick people into thinking you have big boobs” video by Jenna Marbles, who gives basically the same process but in video form. As she points out, these are all old-school tricks on the car model/pin-up girl/drag queen scene, but it’s very helpful to see the techniques done live, and she does a really good job at illustrating exactly how the socks go in where. (I personally couldn’t get a decent photo of the sock going in without flashing my whole boob and rendering this post utterly NSFW. Or at least more NSFW than it already is, given that it is essentially a whole page of boobs.)
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