Ladies! Does your man lack cushion for the pushin’? Is the only junk in his trunk an empty Fritos bag and some cobwebs? Do you find his deflated derriere makes you dry up faster than the Sahara desert?
Thankfully, according to The New York Times, men are finally starting to correct this societal ill via butt plumping surgery, which sucks fat out of their “problem areas” and puts it into their asses, where it becomes sexy. There is also padded underwear, a budget option for poors. Because why make women feel better about their god-given bodies when we could just make men feel worse?
“I’d wear jogging pants to work and the guys used to joke that, ‘You could drop a plumb bob from the back of your head and the string wouldn’t hit anything before it hit the ground,’” construction company owner Jeff Vickers told The Times. He then translated this cryptic construction speak by clarifying, “I’ve always had a nonexistent butt. Zero.” He has since gotten butt surgery and become a whole person.
The Times also got a doctor on record talking about a scary phenomenon called “gluteal amnesia,” whereby a man’s butt forgets how to be cute after sitting in an office chair for too long. Don’t let this happen to you.
The story closes with an anecdote about a man who was considering the surgery but wavering, until his wife (who often mocked him with the nickname “pancake butt”) bought it for him for his 40th birthday. “My jeans are more comfortable and look better,” Michael said. “I feel more confident and synergistic.” His butt then went on to lead the company to a year of record profits.
“Butt Jamie,” you say. “Ridiculous mis-use of ‘synergy’ aside, can you imagine how the story would sound if you switched the genders of those involved and replaced ‘pancake butt’ with ‘pancake chest’? A: It would sound awesome, because that boobless wonder would be going to extra mile to save her marriage. What is it about love that you don’t understand?
That said, it took me about ten minutes of slack-jawed staring to realize I needed to save the David Beckham GIF for last if I wanted to finish this post on time or ever, so maybe I am part of the problem.