Did you hear? Miranda Kerr was a hideous unfuckable swamp beast before she drank Tahitian Noni Juice!

Okay, maybe Vogue did not say that. Maybe I made that up. But she does want you to drink it because it is her beauty secret. So, what is it? And is it sort of shady?

According to a Tahitian Noni Juice website:

Noni Products made from the morinda citrifolia fruit…Noni contains powerful bioactive compounds that impart health maximizing properties. Chief among these are iridoids which posess a wide range of potential health benefits. Iridoids are not common in fruits. In fact the Noni fruit is one of the few fruits in which iridoids are present. Iridoids are extremely heat and time stable which is important as process and pasteurization involve heat. Iridoids are the primary compound in the Noni that delivers its health benefits.

According to Miranda Kerr, former swamp beast,

I’ve been drinking noni for the past 12 years. It has 177 vitamins and minerals, and is a potent antioxidant. It’s great for healing: if I had sunburn or pimples, I used to soak a cotton ball in it and put it on my skin.

And according to Wikipedia:

The charges stating that Morinda [the company that produces Tahitian Noni Juice] had made “unsubstantiated claims in consumer testimonials and other promotional material that its Tahitian Noni juice could treat, cure or prevent numerous diseases, including diabetes, clinical depression, hemorrhoids and arthritis.”[7] Such claims rendered the beverage an unapproved new drug under state and federal food and drug laws and should not have been sold until it received approval. Under the terms of the agreement, Morinda agreed to:

* No longer make drug claims, or claims that the product can cure, treat, or prevent any disease until “Tahitian Noni” is approved and cleared for those uses by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.
* Not make any other claims, whether health claims or others, regarding the benefits of Tahitian Noni unless such claims are true and the company can substantiate the claim by reliable scientific evidence.
* Not use testimonials which imply that the advertised claimed results are the typical or ordinary experience of consumers in actual conditions of use, unless Morinda possesses and relies upon adequate substantiation that the results are typical or ordinary.

Oh, noes! What if Miranda Kerr’s beauty stems only from her genetics!?? WHAT THEN!?