Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

The Face season 2 premiered last night and I must confess: I was excited to watch it. Mostly because:
1-Nigel Barker, “noted fashion photographer,” is a ridiculously sexy beast.
2-And, embarrassingly, I am addicted to America’s Next Top Model.

But The Face isn’t the offspring of ANTM like I was anticipating, in spite of Nigel’s attempt to make “deliberate” happen. Instead, it’s more of a third cousin, a relative you’ve maybe met twice because they’re your dad’s cousin’s child, or something, and whom you have no real desire to pursue a relationship with. Note: they are still your cousin though, and totally off limits, in case a Karen- Smith-Mean-Girls kind of clarification is necessary.

But, I digress, back to The Face. First of all, Nigel didn’t make nearly enough cameos in the cringe-inducing 46-minute episode. And secondly, the show seemed entirely too keen on supporting the stereotypes that models are dumb and models are thin. I feel slightly mislead (betrayed) by assuming The Face would feature women of all sizes, shifting the focus off weight and body altogether. But, silly Lindsey, why would a modelling show do that? At least Tyra Banks casts the one, obligatory, “fiercely real” hopeful.

Instead, commence my round-up of quotes from last night’s premiere ranked by wince-factor slash sheer must-put-my-head-in-my-shirt-because-I-can’t-watch kind of mortification. Where was all the editing?

10. The plethora of “OMG’s,” “likes” and the “OMG likes.”
Oh, for the love of cliches. Are these phrases required in dialogue of reality TV wannabe models? Because OMG I’m like hating it.

9. “If you’re a woman and you are into having your hair look beautiful, you know who he is.”Tiana on Frederic Fekkai
Okay, I don’t enjoy feeling excluded. Does this mean my Herbal Essence shampooed hair isn’t beautiful or that I’m not interested in displaying luscious locks? Or perhaps I’m not a woman as I thought? Not every woman who wants beautiful hair knows of this master stylist! Amirite?

8.”I may come from a famous family, but my pedigree’s not what got me on the cover of magazines.”Lydia Hearst, who was quoted to be “one of the biggest supermodels in the world.”
Am I the only person who had never heard of Lydia Hearst: the model? And oh Lydia, no offense, but I’m thinking that being heiress to a publishing fortune doesn’t hinder that whole landing on the cover of magazines endeavor ya got going on, let’s be honest.

7. “Our creative concept was four really different girls going out…having fun.” Anne V’s team on their window display for the theme “girls night out.”
Ah, yes, the most clever, original way to define “girls night out:” girls going out and having fun. My mind is blown by your ingenuity, Merriam-Webster would be proud.

6. “If you’re supposed to hold it for a minute, hold it, even if you’re dying… and don’t be afraid to move your face, because you’re not dead mannequins.” -Anne V
Can I get this quote framed as inspirational advice? Move because you’re not dead, but don’t move if you’re dying, ah, Unagi (Friends reference, anyone?).

5.”I’m sorry I’m crying.”Ray, the overly enthusiastic and emotional Denny’s waitress.
You took the words right out of my mouth, Ray.

4. “They’re real,” Allison and Tiana on mermaids.
Yeah, yeah, I saw the documentary, too. Visual effects these days, eh? What are your thoughts on unicorns?

3. “Is this girls night out in the day time or girls night out at night?” -Afiya
Ladies, let’s think before we speak, mmkay? Bonus points for anyone who can properly spell “Juicy Couture.”

2. “My body is a little bit more curvier.” -Amanda
Yes, congrats on the rocking bod, it’s your grammar that needs a little bit more help.

1. “Black people don’t age, white people age, black people don’t age.” -Amanda “Neither do Asians,” -Tiana 
Oh the logic. There are no words for this gem.

And best of all, apparently, it’s not about the face, as “it’ll take more than just a pretty smile,” guys, instead, it’s about the “total package.” So, essentially it’s about the face and the body. Sigh. And to think I missed Nashville for this.