most beautiful woman

If you’re wondering what the most beautiful woman in the world looks like, look no further. The dedicated scientists who study the mechanics of human desire at polled an undisclosed number of people with eyes in order to determine which celebrity body parts should be lopped off and smashed back together into a super sexy super woman who’s here to haunt your nightmares.

In what seems to be a Tina Fey joke come to life, the perfect woman consists of:

  • Megan Fox‘s eyebrows
  • Kate Middleton‘s smile
  • Scarlett Johansson‘s nose
  • Sofia Vergara‘s hair and curves (I think that means hips in this context, since breasts will be accounted for momentarily)
  • Jennifer Aniston‘s limbs
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s breasts
  • Gwen Stefani‘s abs
  • Zooey Deschanel‘s eyes
  • Victoria Beckham‘s jawline

It also stipulated that she would be well read, down-to-earth, and have a wicked sense of humor. Just kidding, as long as she has Zooey’s freshly plucked eyeballs and Sophia caboose, we’re set.

And here she is:

ideal womanShe’s pretty scary looking, probably due to the Uncanny Valley phenomenon. Or maybe it’s because when you hack a bunch of people up in hopes that taking their best features and mashing them together will result in a super human, you end up with a semi-person who couldn’t possibly exist in life. Well, maybe as an animatronic sex doll that accidentally becomes self aware and then holds you hostage in your home until you promise to start a new colony of humanoid robot hybrids somewhere in Utah. She is learning to love.

For what it’s worth, Liz, Eve, Sam, and I came up with our own list of what constitutes the perfect woman, and it included the following: Adele‘s lungs, Solange‘s hair, the perpetual romanticism of Courtney Stodden, the entrepreneurship and artistry of Farrah Abraham, Beyoncé‘s charisma, Cate Blanchett‘s style, the heart of Ina Garten, and also all parts of Bill Murray. I don’t even want to see that rendered onto a human form, but I bet it would be a lot better than the above train wreck.

This hilarious Franken-sexpot is Halloween-appropriate enough, but it’s also a pretty solid reminder that the beauty standard we’ve been force fed doesn’t actually exist. Humans are beautiful only when they are human (or, I suppose half-Vampire or Wizard or some such), and thereby, imperfect.