This is very unlady-like of me, I know, but I hate getting my nails done. With the exception of rare occasions (i.e., weddings or succumbing to peer pressure) I will never willingly pay for a manicure. My extensive list of reasoning includes, but is not limited to the following.

1. I feel like this:

Mostly because the manicurist, without fail, harangues me on how advanced my degree is in nail destruction. I’m a biter and a picker and I’m well aware of how unattractive this nervous habit is, but damn it, leave the preachy “you must quit,” lectures to my bank account and liver.

2. Too many descisons results in this.

Picking out a polish color is like ordering food at the Cheesecake Factory. There are so many decisions that when it’s game time, I find myself eating a 3,500 calorie shrimp pasta that’s overly sauced and in no way resembles the scrumptious veggie burger and garden salad I initially envisioned. Somehow, my fingers always end up covered in shades resembling vomit or poo or a leaky highlighter.

3. It’s like they know they are torturing me.

It tickles. All the little maneuvers, massaging, lotions, hot wax, freaking torture. Just hurry up so I can have free reign of all 10 fingers again!

4. Frustration.

Because I always mess it up. So they look at me, understandably, like, are you freaking kidding? But I get itchy and restless and how long am I supposed to sit and do nothing while (hideous) paint dries?!?!

5. I’m often asked obnoxious questions.

Yes. I’m old enough to get a manicure by myself. No, I am not still in high school. And no, I don’t have a boyfriend. Please don’t ask me personal questions because I’ll involuntarily blush, which will make you think I’m lying about my age. Also, I can’t tell a difference between square vs. round nails, so you pick.

6. I immediately regret this decision.



This of course results in various forms of self-deprecation (with the help, of course, of the obvious mocking and lecturing). Thus, I brainstorm ways I can make it up to myself, which is actually a positive, i.e., froyo, wine and/or both. Ah, until we meet again nail salon.