Amid accusations that she look terrifyingly thin in The Black Swan, Natalie Portman told Vogue:

A vegetarian at home and a vegan when out, she orders a thoroughly eccentric meal: field greens followed by a soft pretzel with mustard, and an elderflower spritzer.

“Is that it?” I ask.

“I swear, I eat. I ate a bagel an hour ago. I consume my own weight in hummus every day. I cook a lot, and I even do vegan baking.

“I like pleasure, I like joy. I’d never get to the point where I would starve or injure myself like Nina does. I’m the opposite—when I’m hungry, I eat, and I always make sure I’m eating something delicious. I’m tough on myself in terms of the standards I want to live up to, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self. Being your fullest self is a lot of work.”

Okay, that’s probably true. Natalie Portman seems like a pretty levelheaded young lady. My problem is that when starlets exclaim “I eat!” they always follow it up with something like… a bagel.

Or, “I eat! I had some cauliflower!” These things are not impressive. These are things that normal human beings eat all the time. You want to correct your image? You have to make it clear that you are a monstrous, terrifying glutton. Here are some things that I think would make that point more effectively than “a bagel”:

A side of beef

An entire pupple. Not a piece of pumpple. An entire pumpple. And I’m ready for more.

A human infant, because I mistook it for a large, squalling meatloaf.

Everything Joey Chestnut ate. I can take that pansy.

I hardly eat. Like today, I had 7 fried twinkies and Aussie Fries. Because I have to sacrifice for my art, you know?

Reporter, I challenge you to a pie eating contest. Throwdown starts now.