If you ventured into this post because you wanted to see Audrey Hepburn naked, well, here she is, supposedly, being naked. If it’s real, first of all, wow, Audrey was surprisingly curvaceous! Second, naked photos of celebrities have clearly been popping up forever – I would have said “check out Marilyn Monroe naked” but I figured you’d been there, done that, are familiar with the existence of this magazine called Playboy.

However, every time a naked celebrity photo appears the world appears to go into a frenzy. Yesterday, we saw Scarlett Johansson’s butt. And now the FBI is investigating the possibility of her phone, that she took naked pictures on, being hacked. The FBI! The FBI is using its reasources to find out more about her butt pictures. Which is bizarre, because it seems like only recently we saw Blake Lively naked.  I think one thing that we’ve learned from this is that female celebrities love taking naked pictures in bathrooms as though that idea just spontaneously occurs to them when they get out of the shower. As if they step out and are like “whoa, I’m a celebrity, I’m nakd, PICTURE TIME.”  This rarely occurs to civilians, but perhaps that is why they are a different breed than you and I.

Certainly, the world seems to feel a great feel a great need to see what these people look like when hanging out, being naked (presumably, you did, too, if you wanted to check in on a nude Audrey Hepburn). But to what end?

By which I mean, when the entire world erputs into a frenzy over Scarlett Johansson’s butt, is this a matter of aesthetic appreciation? Because surely you could realize her body is pretty great even when she is inside clothing.

Do we want to know what someone whose body has been deemed “perfect” by societal standards really looks like naked? Is this a matter of hoping to see cellulite and thereby prove stars are “just like us?” If that’s the case, couldn’t we just watch any of the 1,798 bajillion movies where an actress gets naked for a role? Do people legitimately not care in those instances because they think “you know, it’s for the artistic integrity of the plot, and it’s something her character would do, so it’s like I can’t even see Angelina Jolie naked?” Does that happen to anyone? Because I always find I think “wow, look, Angelina Jolie is naked again!” So it can’t be just that celebrities exist in this veil of mystery where we don’t see many of them naked. We see pretty much all of them naked, and if Scarlett Johansson had chosen to get naked for a movie it would have been a funny little blurb in EW, and that would be about it.

But if naked pictures break, well, that is a front page news story right there. But we’ve determined it’s not a new phenomenon (see above). It’s not as though we did not know what celebrities bodies looked like from the 700 bikini shots of them in every tabloid. It’s not as though celebrities are mystical creatures who one almost never sees natural and nude. So how does the existence of Scarlett Johansson’s butt become a front page, FBI investigated story?

The best explanation I can come up with is that because they were sloppily taken on a cell phone it makes us feel like we had a relationship with ScarJo. It feels almost as though she took the pictures for us, whereas Audrey, well, those were in a studio, someplace, if they’re real at all.

But perhaps I’ve misread the situation. What I’m really saying is – why do you love looking at famous people naked so much?