[UPDATE: Why yes, yes she does have a music video]

A story that has been making its way around the Internet today concerns the marriage of 16-year-old “pop artist” Courtney Stodden to 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison, who has played bit parts in movies and TV shows since the eighties. Far be it from me to poop all over someone’s beautiful romance, but there are some things about it that just don’t add up.

First, how is this a story? Young girls marry old guys all the time. I happen to think it’s sort of creepy for someone who remembers the sixties to swoop in on a girl who’s still in high school struggling with geometry and whatnot, but it’s not against the law in Nevada, so long as her parents sell her for a good price sign a permission slip, and it happens from time to time. The reason this is news is that someone paid a publicist to make it news. Because that is what one does when trying to break into the sub-Montag realm of C-list celebrity. Don’t worry guys, I’m sure you’ll be shoe-ins for “The Surreal Life” now!

Then there is the creepy mother who insists that Courtney is a “good Christian girl” who was a virgin at her time of marriage. Um, good to know? She also goes off on a tangent at the end of the story to insist Courtney has never had any plastic surgery, you know, in case you’d been wondering: “She is a beautiful girl. She has real breasts, real lips, she’s not plastic.”

First of all: ew. I would not want my mother talking about my lips and breasts. Second, I am calling bullshit. WHY IS SHE SO AUTOMATICALLY DEFENSIVE ABOUT HER DAUGHTER’S LIPS AND BREASTS? Duh, because they are fake. A look at her website (which, by the way, is terribly done…shouldn’t a 16-year-old have better Internet skills than this?) shows she’s got that weird, divot-less trout pout that simply does not exist in nature. Look!

As for her boobs, I’m sure we’ll all get a better look at them when she turns 18.

Now, I am not trying to say that young marriage or plastic surgery or heck, showing your boobs is wrong. I am saying that they are using people’s emotional reactions to these issues to orchestrate a media freak show, and it’s working. Look at me, playing into their hands. So why am I giving them any press at all? Because I enjoy media freak shows! Someday while watching their train wreck of a reality show, I will feel special knowing I had a small hand in its creation, and I will bask in the glorious postmodern-ness of it all. We live in strange and wonderful times, don’t we?