tanning hacksIf you’re looking for a solution to your still-pasty-from-Winter skin, turn back now. Tanning tips, tutorials and hacks on Pinterest are not going to help you, unless you want to smell like a spice cabinet and look like a striped muppet.

What’s a girl who wants to be tan to do? The sun and tanning beds are murdering you and sunless tanner can be expensive and tricky to execute. It’s not like DIY fake bake is a better option; concocting your own fake tanning goo can be just as big a nuisance. Akin to what you buy in stores, the ingredients are often pricy and application is difficult to master.

I’m not big on fake tans in general. Who are you trying to fool into thinking you were sunning in St. Tropez? No one is buying your streaky lies. If you do insist on feebly trying to make your flesh look tan, can we leave the products to the professionals? Chemists have put hard work into fine tuning their craft. I’ve heard spray tans and tan-towels are pretty good…if you’re into that kind of thing. Is it really worth it to try to DIY a sun-kissed glow?

We found these Pinterest tutorials and recipes for self tanner to be pretty wack:

1) Mix Cocoa Powder with Lotion

Guaranteed to not give you a natural or even glow while making your skin sticky and wasting perfectly good cocoa powder. This is easily the most popular and repinned sunless tanning method on Pinterest.

2) Sun Tea, Sun Tan, Tea Tan? NO.

This message suggests you use tea to deepen the color of your skin. Tea can make a great dye, ink, or drink, but ugh, I doubt it will give you the tan you’re hoping for.

3) Carrots & Brown Sugar

If this strange concoction does actually help you temporarily dye your skin, you’ll get that orange Oompa Loompa glow that nobody wants when they self-tan.

4) Make Your Own Bronzer/Cupcake Frosting

Make sure your dog doesn’t lick your face after you rub baking ingredients on it.

5) Fake Tan in a Cup 

This is definitely the best use of your fancy coffee and yogurt. Why eat it when you can rub it on your skin?

6) All-Natural Body Bronzer 

You need the skills of an alchemist and the resources of the Hogwarts potions department to mix up this all natural phony bronzer. If you do try this at home, add an eye of newt glaze for longevity.

7) Lemon Sugar Body Scrub

This DIY potion will supposedly erase self tanning mistakes as well as tighten pores and improve your complexion. I’m sure it smells nice, but you have to be really careful about putting lemon juice on your skin. Any citrus juice applied to your skin will make you far more sensitive to the sun and likely to burn badly. Further, the big grains of sugar might irritate sensitive skin.

8) Butt Lifting Tanning Trick

A little trompe l’oeil for the rump! I’m sure this will work when you’re fake baking your own body. You’ll look as realistically tan as those little pageant girls or people who get six packs sprayed on.

9) How Much Tanner To Use: A Guide

This one is actually way more helpful that WTF. You’re welcome.

Photos: Pinterest