Because mine are disgusting!

I mean, not really. They’re kind of off white. Like the color of your favorite coffee cup, stained with tea. And full of root canals and weird calcium deposits. So, the color of fun and danger.

Deputy Editor Ashley Cardiff has comically white teeth. Like, the kind of teeth that, if she lived in Elizabethan England would just get her all the marriage proposals. Which is weird because she also embraces danger, but claims that she does nothing to maintain her toilet bowl colored teeth.

I’m pretty sure she rubs industrial strength bleach on them every night and is too embarrassed to admit it. Just a theory!

Do you have nice teeth? What do you use? Since I can’t tan I figure I can make my skin look artificially darker by doing some tooth whitening stuff. Does actually going in to get them whitened hurt? I hear bad things. But toothpaste doesn’t work, right? Or have you found one that does?