So you’re in the mood to get bangs. You want to change your look up. Be cuter. I get it–bangs are an easy and cheap way to change your whole head without having to hire a surgeon. But they’re also going to be the biggest mistake you make this summer, bigger than any tattooed bartender, or the decision to down five cocktails on a Wednesday night.
You can take it from me–as someone who has flitted like a fickle butterfly between bangs and no bangs since the early 2000s, I know for certain that bangs are only everything you ever dreamed them to be for the first five minutes you have them. After that, you might as well lock yourself up and prepare to pee in jars for the next year, because the most horrendous thing a girl can do is attempt to grow out unwanted bangs. Like Communism, bangs are great in theory, but in practice, and especially in summer, they just don’t work, and you’re going to be left with a barren landscape to repair. Here’s why you must absolutely not, under any circumstances, get bangs this summer.
1. You will change your mind about them within a week of getting them.
The lifecycle of a bang cut is as follows.
- You will talk about getting bangs cut for at least 6 weeks before you actually get bangs cut;
- You will get bangs cut;
- You will love yourself sick with your new bangs for anywhere from one afternoon to three days;
- Within three days you will hate your bangs more than you’ve ever hated a single thing on earth;
- You will start growing out your bangs.
2. You will constantly be fussing with them.
I call it the bang ruffle. Girls with bangs know this one–its where you use your middle three fingers to ruffle the front of your bangs. There is literally no way to have bangs and not fuss over them constantly. You can feel them on your forehead constantly, and you’ll always be wanting to fix them because as we know, bangs need a lot of fixing. And even if you can’t see them, you’ll always be thinking about them. You’ll start doing the bang ruffle unconsciously and continuously, forming a really annoying habit as your body getts used to the motion, and as you yourself become more and more anxious about the state of your bangs.
3. Humidity kills bangs.
Yeah, I know I go on and on about the humidity in summer but there’s a good reason. BECAUSE IT’S THE WORST. If you decide to get bangs for the summer, please enjoy the wet, caked together dags perpetually stuck to your sweaty forehead.
4. You will have no inclination to use heat products.
It’s already too hot, and even with the air-conditioning, the last thing you’re going to want to do in the middle of summer is blast your face with hot air. Hair dryers and straightening irons tend to collect dust in the summer, and given that bangs generally require quite a bit of heat to do what they’re told, you’re going to make yourself needlessly suffer at an already difficult time.
5. There is no cute or discreet way to pin them back.
I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you, but pinned back bangs just look like pinned back bangs. Beauty magazines will tell you to braid your hair or wear a headband, but when your bangs are still short there’s always little spiky hairs that stick out and up in an unattractive Simpsons sort of way.
6. People will compare you to Zooey Deschanel, and you will be found wanting.
For some reason, Zooey Deschanel has become the paragon of bangs, even though she only cut them later in her career. You may not admit it, even to yourself, but to some degree you want bangs because of Zooey. And who wouldn’t? She’s adorable. Which is why you should not get bangs, because you will never be this adorable, and people will always equate bangs, even yours, to Zooey’s Disney Princess face.
7. You will be tempted to DIY.
When you have bangs in summer, there will come a day–actually, most likely a heady, sweaty late night–when they’ve grown to an awkward length where they’re starting to uncomfortably poke into your eyes. A light bulb will flash above your head and you will have the best idea you’ve ever had: you will give yourself a DIY bang trim. There isn’t a woman on earth who’s done this and emerged triumphant, and you will be visiting the hairdresser the other day so she can salvage what’s left of your once lovely forehead curtains.
8. They will never look good at the beach or pool.
See above re: humidity. Any sort of water based event (which are generally frequent in summer) will have the same effect. Weird, matted tendrils on your forehead that will be a nightmare when they dry full of salt and sand or chlorine.
9. Bang hat hair is worse than regular hat hair.
There will probably come a time in summer when you will want to, or even really need to, wear a hat. You know how bad that ring you get around your head from hat hair is? Triple it, and that’s how bad it is when you incorporate dented bangs to the situation.
10. Bangs in summer will literally drive you crazy.
For all the reasons above, having bangs in summer is going to drive you crazy. There’s no reprieve. It’s like trying to get through 100 degree days with only a handheld fan–you are going to want to crawl out of your own skin. Once you have them, you can’t escape them. Eventually, you’ll go so crazy trying to keep them straight and dry that you’ll just give up, at which point you’re stuck with a bad 80s throwback hair do for the rest of the summer. If you really must have bangs, get them in the fall–that way by the time summer rolls around again, you’ll have been smart enough to grow them to a length that tucks comfortably behind your ears for the sweltering months ahead.