body shapes

Whether you’re an hourglass, an apple, a pear, a stick figure, a diamond, or a tube, I think we can all agree that the names for women’s body types are so, so stupid

Despite wasting full hours in front of the mirror in middle school, I was never able to determine my shape (probably because it doesn’t, in any obvious way, resemble a fruit), even after I exhausted several guides in Cosmo and Seventeen. I always assumed I was weird for not being able to tell if I was a butt girl or a boob girl, but as it turns out, I was neither. Shockingly, I was shaped like a constantly growing and changing human body. Unbelievable!

A recent survey in the UK revealed that the majority of adult women have the “straight up and down” figure– a piece of information that the Daily Mail creatively contorts in order to write some dumbass article about how women get uglier as they age:

Two thirds of women across the country fall into the rectangle category. Women aged 56-plus are more than twice as likely to be a rectangle shape, which is defined by bust, shoulders and hips being the same width, than those aged 18-35. Researchers say this is because the majority of women lose definition around their middles as part of the aging process.

They cite Kim Catrall and Nicole Kidman as examples of well-known rectangles, but I can’t help but wonder why they snubbed Stick Stickly and Oblina from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.



Last time I checked, both Catrall and Kidman are smoking hot, super curvaceous, and way undeserving of this unnecessary body shaming. It’s not BRAND NEW SCIENCE! that women’s waists look less defined as they age, and giving this “phenomenon” a name to separate it from the more-desirable hourglass shape is just kind of mean and unwarranted. The names for body types exist to help women find clothes that flatter them– not so that you can call middle aged women ugly in a new way. The DM also kindly call out Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow as model rectangles immediately after explaining that by “rectangle” they basically mean “too old to be hot.” Ew.

Why are we constantly looking for new words that mean “you don’t look like a Kardashian” when we could put our time to better use? Chances are, you’re not a rectangle or an hourglass or an inverted triangle– you’re probably a human-shaped person with human-like proportions who’s going to spend her life changing and morphing in human ways.

Via Daily Mail / Photo: Shutterstock