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As if there weren’t enough people in the world who think the shape and size of a person’s butt reveals deep insights into their character and work ethic, now there’s a school of psychics who say one’s ass tells everything about a person’s character.

America’s foremost “rumpologist” is Sylvester Stallone‘s mother, Jackie, who says that buttistry was practiced in ancient Babylon, India, Greece, and Rome. According to her website:

Rumpology is sometimes called butt reading in modern parlance. It is the art of reading the lines, crevices, dimples, and folds of the buttocks to divine the individual’s character and gain an understanding of what has occurred in the past and get a prediction of the future.

Rumpologists read butts the way normal psychics read palms, but according to the Daily Mail, poor Britain only has one rumpologist out there. Luckily she is willing to read the butts of celebrities on television, because she has some things Rihanna needs to know about her future:

“Well, she’s quite a feisty lady, and I would say a perfectionist,” said Sam Amos, the U.K.’s lone butt-reader, as she analyzed a picture of Rihanna’s butt. “I would say she’s quite happy as well.”

She also said Rihanna’s butt cheeks indicate that she’s going to want to have a baby soon.

“She’ll get broody soon because one of her friends is going to have a baby girl,” Amos foretold. “I would also say she’s going to do more charity work, which will change her life in some way.”

Amos says a person’s butt will tell you everything about that person.

“It tells me about the character of a person, the good points and the bad points,” she explained. The left butt cheek apparently is linked to the right hemisphere of the brain, and the right butt cheek will tell you all about your left brain.

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure my left butt cheek says I am totally kicking myself for not knowing this was a career option open to me.