Every now and then, you want to let the world know that you’re not just a professional woman — you’re also the girl who’s going to go get wasted on cheap tequila and flash her tits while standing atop a bar and screaming: “WOOOOOHHH!!! YEAH!!!!!”

For that, there is Tom Ford’s Black Orchid. Smelling it is what I imagine it would be like to walk by the female cast members of “Jersey Shore” — first it wallops you with the scent of vanilla and flowers and fruit, then it hits you hard in the nostril with some sort of overbearing woodsy scent, then it finishes you off with the intoxicating fragrance of all of the above mixed together, as if you had vomited them up in the bathroom of a dive bar in Mexico.

The best part of this perfume is that despite it’s trashiness, it’s still expensive. It smells like it should be in a fucking $9 aluminum bottle on the shelf of a CVS, but it costs between $65 and $145 at Sephora, presumably to give the impression that it’s cleaasssy.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with this fun little description of Black Orchid, courtesy of the Tom Ford website (see if you can catch the irony): “Tom Ford believes that nothing is more desirable than that which is unattainable.”