As you may have noticed Wednesday, we feel a little confusion over Adam Levine‘s pick for “Sexiest Man Alive” by People Magazine (as does everyone, it seems). I polled our staff and my friends to see who folks consider the real Sexiest Man Alive and the results were awesome. However, many people voiced picks who do not exactly qualify for People‘s original poll. That is, they are men–but they are not alive.
So, friends, here we have it: your Sexiest Men Not Alive. It’s by no means a comprehensive list, but it’s what we’ve got so far. Tell us in the comments if there’s anybody you’d add!
If there was anybody I wish I could resurrect and go dancing with–a thought that I do, indeed, feel weird about writing down–it’s Desi Arnaz. I can’t think of almost anybody in the history of time that is more attractive to me.
Yeah, sure, eventually he went on to kill a ton of people and be one of the biggest jerks in fictional history, but before that, he was just a misunderstood kid who felt stressed out by his weirdness. He also looked like every prep school douchebag in Law & Order: SVU history, but c’est la Potter.
As you saw on my first, alive-guys list, I find H. Jon Benjamin crazy attractive. One of his best characters is Sterling Archer, the suave, weird, dickheaded super spy with mommy issues whose black turtlenecks and excellent cartoon tuxes make me wish I knew more dudes who dressed like spies IRL. Complete with Benjamin’s voice (i.e. #1 on my “Sexiest Voices Alive” list), and Archer is the perfect cartoon hottie. Oh god, I can’t believe I just typed out the words “cartoon hottie.”
One of the best jazz musicians in history with easily the best name of all time, Thelonious Monk also had impeccable style. With his trademark glasses, hats and suits, he oozed attractiveness. There’s just about nothing more attractive than an insanely talented person, so I imagine that back in the day, he was probably every straight woman’s dream.
This was one of Caitlin from Gurl‘s picks! You know you loved him. We all loved him. With his adorably loose long-sleeved shirts and his knack for invariably finding things wrong with all his partners, he would be the perfect emotionally unavailable boyfriend to have inane conversations with.
I know everyone hates The Mindy Project but oh good god, I love it so much. And I just love Danny Castellano’s character, he is so adorably and reluctantly goofy.
Speaking of people who have been on The Mindy Project, Anders Holm AKA the fellow who plays Ders on Workaholics amuses me to no end. While he’s the most responsible member of the stoner trio, he’s also a ridiculous human being. A tall, confusingly attractive human being whose voice is A+ in every way. I would like to drink slurpies with him just once in my life.
The character is the best in Romeo & Juliet, by far, in my opinion. But in any film version, I can’t imagine a more chilling portrayal that the one by Harold Perrineau, who is himself a dubiously attractive man. And his wardrobe? From an open shirt to the ridiculous sparkly bra he wears in the party scene, that version was prime material for a Sexiest Man Alive nominee.
Oh, you and I both know that if the Harry Potter series had an official Sexiest Dudes calendar, Mr. Black would be on the cover just about all the time. A misunderstood rebel with a cause? Solid.
Given how obsessed everybody is with Benedict Cumberbatch, one can only assume it has a lot to do with the character he plays. To be fair, Sherlock Holmes has been portrayed by many actors, but none that folks seem to find nearly as love-worthy as Cumberbatch.
All I care about is the Halloween special that was like Scream, except with pencils measuring people named Kenny and Mr. Fenny NGAF. Eric Matthews was a hero all through Boy Meets World, although toward the end he seemed unable to take care of himself even a little bit.
Now, for the ultimate Sexiest Man Not Alive, plus a few more.
Oof, Jack from Sons of Anarchy is a pretty epic hottie. Sure, he’s got a bit of an awful temper sometimes, but he’s generally great and has a big ol’ heart. And you know that if you were ever really, really sleepy after watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July, he would totally carry you to the car.
Bear with me, though, I’m only on Season 2 so if there are any ~*spoilers*~ that would make him un-Sexiest Man Not Alive material, don’t tell me ’em, pretty please.
Is he a good person? Eh, not really. Does he wear better suits than anybody that has ever existed (yes, even Archer)? Yes. Absolutely. Hands down. Also, if you don’t like horror movies, I suppose you should just ignore this one on the list.
Though his namesake has carried on via our time’s favorite male pornstar, James Dean has and always will be one of the sexiest men in film history.
I loved The L Word, but I think like half the reason I watched it after season 3 was because of Moira/Max Sweeney, an FTM transgender man portrayed by Daniela Sea. She has so much versatility in her appearance, it’s amazing. And those eyes. Good gracious.
As cliche as it sounds, reading Camus’ short stories in college changed how I looked at writing short stories, in general. So, when my friend pointed out that he was very, very attractive in his youth, I definitely had to add him to this list.
Despite being King of the Rats, Charlie Kelly is inept at most things, but he has the most memorable dating profile that has ever been written. Cover up your knees if you’re gonna be around this guy, though.
Mysterious? Check. Carefree wardrobe? Check. Multiple people, literally? Check. A of Pretty Little Liars is your ultimate tall, dark and handsome, folks.
My favorite character from my favorite cartoon of all time, Frisky Dingo, Killface is a demon with a soft side and a delicate English accent. Is it weird that he’s on this list? Definitely. Is it weird that I keep asking myself questions then answering them? Oh, yeah.
For the record, if you can help me literally fly, I love you. I already love you. Fly me to prom, motherfucker.
Rugged, handsome, talented, and the founder of a company that donates millions of dollars to charity every year. He could pick you up in a race car and zoom you to a film he starred in. How sexy is that?
Of all the people I thought I would be chewed out for forgetting Wednesday, I did not think Tom Hiddleston was going to be one. But man, you guys–and tons of my friends, it seems–are obsessed. Everybody in the comments and on Twitter said he was the person most qualified for this year’s list of Sexiest Men Alive.
So, to make up for it, I thought it was best to crown him this year’s Sexiest Man Not Alive, which is the better title, when you think about it. I mean, he’s not only beating out humans–he’s beating out people so awesome, they had to be imagined.