Don't Trust The B

We’re not sure how the decision was made, nor precisely who made it, but Adam Levine is definitely not the “Sexiest Man Alive,” and I’m a little peeved that People Magazine would crown him as such. I can only assume that they are not, in fact, run as I wish they were: by Krysten Ritter playing Chloe in Don’t Trust The B–if all publications worked that way, I think I would have more actual magazine subscriptions.

Alas, no. People has apparently decided on somebody we don’t quite understand the appeal of (though perhaps I am still a little sore about that whole “publicly ridiculing a harmless 7-year-old” thing). To be fair, the public will never find collective happiness with the declaration of the Sexiest Man Alive (remember GoslingGate?), but nevertheless, we here at The Gloss believe there just has to be somebody better. Here are our choices, as well as those from lots of other people I polled–let us know if you agree.

As a side note, do people who receive “Sexiest ____ Alive” get to keep their trophies or whatever after they’re no longer the sexiest?

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Ed Norton

Fight Club (1999).

Edward Norton

Holy crap, he came up so many times when I asked people this question. I’m not even sure what he’s doing right now career-wise, but I think it’s safe to say that whatever it is, it’s very, very attractive.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Donald Glover

Via Getty Images.

Donald Glover

I don’t know a single human who wouldn’t make out with Donald Glover. And if I do know anybody who wouldn’t, then hi: this is your formal notice that we are no longer buddies, buddy.

My friend Roxanne first showed me Derrick Comedy’s “Mad Hatter” (I Tarzan!) video that he was in when we were in high school. And I remember thinking that he was entirely too adorable and that I needed to find a boyfriend like him someday. Witty, weird, wonderfully good looking (okay, the alliteration was a bit of a struggle there, but you get the picture). 7 years later and I’m still super into it, as are millions of other folks, which I feel like makes him one of our generation’s ultimate crushes.

Sexiest Man Alive Aaron Paul

Via Getty Images.

Aaron Paul

Just as with Donald Glover, if you don’t find Aaron Paul infinitely awesome, I don’t know how you live with yourself. He’s kind to his fans, an excellent actor, a positive role model and just head over heels in love with his wife from what we, the public, can tell. He’s 2013’s Prince Charming.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Benedict Cumberbatch

Via Sherlock.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Alexis may be the first person to have recommended him for this list today, but man, everyone I know is obsessed with this dude. To put it in the words of the great Patrick Verona, “What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?” Except, you know, for a dude.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Patrick Stewart as a lobster

Via Twitter.

Sir Patrick Stewart

Knighted, honored and lobstered, Patrick Stewart is a god among ball pits. While I obviously love him for his talent, hilarity, dashing baldness and incredible voice that read A Christmas Carol on tape to me many December nights as a kid, it’s really his humanitarian work devoted to ending violence against domestic violence that is so striking.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen

Via Twitter.

BONUS: Sexiest Best Friends Alive: Sir Patrick Stewart & Sir Ian McKellen

I cannot think of a single pair of male BFF celebrities whose friendship more deserving of adoration and awe. And they’re both knighted. Seriously, if you and your favorite dudebro have both been knighted, by all means, step up because I’m taking you to adult prom.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: H. Jon Benjamin.

Via Getty Images.

H. Jon Benjamin

I genuinely believe I’ve never head a more attractive voice that Jon Benjamin’s. For those not familiar, he’s voiced Archer of Archer, Bob on Bob’s Burgers, multiple characters in Home Movies, and tons of other roles. He’s also got that Santa Claus twinkle in his eyes (minus the whole “sees you when you’re sleeping” eeriness), and I have had a terribly strong celebrity crush on him for like 4 years now.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Leonardo DiCaprio

Romeo + Juliet (1996).

Leonardo DiCaprio

Not only did Jess of Gurl note this very obvious, very hot choice, but so did a ton of other people I asked. Honestly, I have a feeling he’d be in the top 3 most repeated picks if we randomly asked folks on the street, but that would require me to be social with strangers and use the word “sexy” too much. Let’s just leave it at this: DiCaprio was a total hottie, and then he started trading in models like he was building a f’ing fantasy football league.

LOS ANGELES, CA - SEPTEMBER 10: Comedian Anthony Jeselnik onstage at Comedy Central's Roast of Charlie Sheen held at Sony Studios on September 10, 2011 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

Via Christopher Polk/Getty Images.

Anthony Jeselnik

I remember being in high school and seeing this video of him performing a joke about Dane Cook. It made me laugh so hard, I possibly peed a little. He also reminds me of a dude I dated who is one of my only exes that doesn’t suck. Clearly, my standards are way the F up there when it comes to declaring awards. (But in all seriousness, I think Anthony Jeselnik is hysterical and crazy attractive; those powers combined make him Sexiest Man Alive material.)

LONDON, ENGLAND - FEBRUARY 12: Nathan Stewart-Jarrett attends the premiere of Rankin's Collabor8te connected by NOKIA at Regent Street Cinema on February 12, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images)

Via Ben Pruchnie/Getty Images.

Nathan Stewart-Jarrett

Ashley reminded us all of Mr. Stewart Jarrett, who played Curtis Donovan, i.e. the hottest character on Misfits (IMO). Apparently, dude has incredible style these days. Seriously, take a quick look at this link and try to tell me you aren’t doing a little hyperventilating. (Note to all dudes/humans/sentient beings ever: don’t ever underestimate how far a solid outfit will get you.) It doesn’t hurt that he is gorgeous, obviously, but his getup is simply killing it.

But wait! There’s more…including my #1 pick.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: David Wright

Via Getty Images.

Being sports inept, I can only go off of what Meg told me, which is this:

David Wright, the third baseman from the NY Mets. I

barely care at all about professional sports but I have amassed a lot of Mets gear because I’m really in love with him. He actually really good at baseball, seems to like being on the Mets even though they are a terrible team, and I think he is super good looking in a way that would make me nervous and vomit if he ever got close to me. That’s why I have to sit far in the outfield at games.

Now, while I still know nothing about baseball, I trust Meg’s opinion more than most (seriously, homegirl hates dolphins “because they’re showoffs,” she’s got the highest standards around), so I went and found this photo:

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: David Wright

Via Getty Images.

And now, I am officially in agreement with Meg. This dude is hella sexy.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Idris Elba.

Via The Wire.

Idris Elba

Julia, approximately half our staff, and several more of my friends picked Mr. Elba. But also, destiny chose Idris Elba, because anybody that the universe’s magical energy put on The Wire simply deserves to be on every Awesomest Person Alive list. Even if Armani apparently can’t tell the difference between him and female actress Alfre Woodard, we certainly can because he’s amazing. He’s also reportedly an Arsenal Fan, which makes him even more excellent.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Ryan Gosling.

Drive (2011).

Ryan Gosling

I would explain, but I don’t have to and you know that and you would probably just roll my eyes if I did anyway.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: BD Wong.

Via Getty Images.

BD Wong

While you may recognize him from Law & Order: SVU and Oz, Wong also played everybody’s favorite Disney non-prince: Shang. In addition to being a versatile actor–he’s succeeded in television, film and theater–he’s also got impeccable hair and the perfect smile.

Oh, and did anybody have any idea that BD Wong is 53? Because he is, and I need to immediately go ask him what moisturizer he uses, good god.

The Gloss chooses its Sexiest Man Alive nominees: Jon Hamm.

Via Getty Images.

Jon Hamm

As if I even had to write this little blurb; I’m pretty sure “Jon Hamm” directly translates to “ridiculously attractive” in every language on the planet these days. Sure, his Donald Draper sex appeal is ever-present, but it was his adorable appearance on Sesame Street that made him so gosh darn attractive in every single way.

Plus, Hayley pointed out to me, he’s a good guy:

He’s a feminist, he’s outspoken about teaching boys not to rape, Jennifer Westfeldt loves him so he must deserve it.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

LOS ANGELES, CA - FEBRUARY 01: Host Steve Harvey poses in the press room during the 44th NAACP Image Awards at The Shrine Auditorium on February 1, 2013 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images for NAACP Image Awards)

Via Frederick M. Brown/Getty Imagess.

LOS ANGELES, CA - FEBRUARY 01: Host Steve Harvey poses in the press room during the 44th NAACP Image Awards at The Shrine Auditorium on February 1, 2013 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images for NAACP Image Awards)

Via Frederick M. Brown/Getty Imagess.

LOS ANGELES, CA - FEBRUARY 01: Host Steve Harvey poses in the press room during the 44th NAACP Image Awards at The Shrine Auditorium on February 1, 2013 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images for NAACP Image Awards)

Via Frederick M. Brown/Getty Imagess.

Steve Harvey’s Mustache

Daily, Jenni of Crushable pines at our television screen. Though it is on mute, you can oft catch her bobbing her head along to whatever Steve Harvey’s mustache is doing. But it is a love that can never be, as she is a human, and it is but hair.

James Van Der Beek

He deserves it so hard. His role in one of my favorite shows of the past several years, Don’t Trust The B In Apartment 23, was hilarious in entirely too many ways. He and his perfectly creepy-charming smile were also what made Rules Of Attraction so epically good, among other things. And the episode of People‘s Sexiest Man Alive issue? Classic.

Jason Segel Sexiest Man Alive

Via Getty Images.

Okay, so who is my personal number 1 choice for the title of Sexiest Male Celebrity Alive 2013? Why, Jason Segel, of course!

I say “of course” because when we all wrote our Valentine’s Day e-love letters to our favorite stars of present and past, I wrote mine to Jason Segel. While I’m only a half-fan of How I Met Your Mother, I basically love everything else he has done and fell head over heels with him while watching Freaks In Geeks as a kid. Plus, he loves karaoke, so he and I should sing love songs together forever.