Simon Cowell gets sheep placenta facials, no need to dress it up. They involve fresh stem cells and 24 carat gold flakes because extreme vanity combined with extreme wealth leads to bottomless absurdity, depravity. The treatment costs £330 (about $530) and is available at Beverly Hills’ Lancer dermatology clinic (where Victoria Beckham is reportedly also a client). It goes like this:

A therapist applies the stem cells from special, New Zealand-reared sheep, which is then spread over [Cowell’s] lovely, smooth, Botoxed face.

Before this, Simon’s mug is given a thorough 30-minute exfoliation and beamed with an LED light to open up his pores.

From here, the sheepy stuff is smeared on in a gel mixed with 24 carat gold flakes.

Finally, a “galvanised metal probe” is prodded over the skin to ensure the product penetrates deeply.

You may be asking yourself, “But what of the sheep?” Don’t worry about them, though, they lead more fulfilling lives than Cowell:

Happily, Dr Lancer himself, is keen to stress the animal-friendly nature of, well, animal-loving Simon.

Of the process, he says: “These sheep are completely untouched by the modern world. It is very important they have no impurities.

“The stem cells are full of rich nutrients and the cells we harvest are amniotic, which means no harm is caused to the animals.”

Oh, “impurities.” The beauty industry’s commitment to pseudo-science sometimes astonishes even us (though we suppose this is a step up from urine injections for weightloss).

The Mirror adds that Donatella Versace is also a fan of the procedure. They then go on to say she has the “face of an ageing crocodile.” Nice.

(The Mirror)