So, the people at St. Tropez offered me a spray tan. Obviously I was pretty hesitant, because I was worried that being human colored would cause me to lose my abilities to read minds and live forever.

This is what I look like normally, except my hair is brown and I am not Jeremy Irons.

Fortunately, that didn’t happen. Other stuff did, though!

1) When going out for the evening you will realize that you have no foundation that matches your new skin tone. Hope your skin is perfect. Sorry one of your superpowers is not “seeing the future.”

2) You’re going to spend at least half an hour staring at yourself in underwear from various different angles. I mean, this is probably going to be as cool as it gets.

3) Resist the temptation to take naked photos and send them to everyone.

4) Or don’t, maybe? You’ve got to be free, like a tenné bird of paradise. But animate. So, not a flower. And naked.

5) You’ll probably feel justified in eating more food, because having a tan makes you look thinner. Way thinner. But it dos not actually make you lose weight. When your tan goes away, this will feel like a cruel trick.

6) None of your clothing will look quite the same. Dresses that normally look great will now make you look washed out. If, say, your entire wardrobe is black and navy blue… well, actually, black goes with everything. Navy blue does not look as good if you’re tan. Fun fact! Compensate for this by buying a teal dress in case you get a spray tan, ever. Be prepared.

7) When I was out at dinner with my ex, I made some joke about, I mean, you know, the inevitability of death and the entropic nature of all things – it was a knee slapper – and he paused for a second and said “Okay, Wednesday.” And I replied “No, you can’t say that; I have a tan now.” I felt pretty bummed about that, because Wednesday Addams is a hero.

This is what heroes do all the time. They feed babies raw steak.

8) You’re going to have to slam your hand forcefully on the table and say “Nicknames are not entropic.” This might have more to do with having a lot of feelings and a bucket-load of neurosis than having a spray tan.

9) Pretty predictably, you’re going to want to wear short skirts more. And bikinis.

God, Wednesday would be horrified.