I’m attempting to switch from being the kind of person who eats burgers and fries to the kind of person who drinks vegetables that have been ground up and turned into juice. I’m not doing it with willpower, because that is for fools. I’m doing it by allowing Norma Kamali to dictate what I eat for three days.

Today’s Menu:

Goji Berry Smoothie (Strawberries, Banana, Goji Berries, Coconut Water, Coconut Oil)

Green Love Smoothie (Kale, Cucumber, Spinach, Celery, Romaine, Swiss Chard, Collard Greens, Apple, Lemon, Parsley)

Package of Unsalted  Almonds

Caesar (?) Salad

Gazpacho Soup

My Major Concern: None of these foods strike me as being as appealing as the foods I had yesterday or am going to have tomorrow. I’m mostly just worried that there will be nothing fun to eat.

9:00: Good God, I’m tired this morning.

9:05: But wow, I look great. Rested. This is what people mean when they say someone looks rested.

9:15: This Goji Berry smoothie is nice. But honestly, I was right, it’s not as great as some of the ones I had yesterday (or the chocolate chip smoothie, which is just the most delicious smoothie ever). It seems to mostly be strawberry and banana. I generally have a strawberry yogurt and banana for breakfast anyway, so it doesn’t feel like a huge change. Except for the fact that I do not have a cup of coffee. Which is awful. I am really, really going to try to limit myself to one Diet Coke today.

11:00: These almonds aren’t as good as the almonds yesterday. I think it’s because they don’t have the sea salt. They taste like almonds. It’s fine. Not great. But fine.

11:30: I want a cupcake.

11:45: I wonder what cupcakes they have at the Cupcake Stop today. Amazing cupcakes, probably. Two days a week, the cupcake truck parks right near our offices. And sometimes (all the time on those days, barring the truck not being there because of a blizzard, and then I get upset) after I walk back from Tossed, I buy a cupcake.Then I eat my Cobb salad, and afterward I have my cupcake and life is wonderful.

11:46: Theyhaveorecookiecrumblecupcakestodaywhywhywhyislifeavaleoftears?

11:47: Sometimes Oreo cookie crumble ones are too… delicious, anyway. I hate things that are too delicious.

11:48: It could be worse. They could be s’mores cupcakes. Or brownie cheesecake cupcakes. Or canoli cupcakes.

12:00: I want a cupcake.

12:30: Good lord there are still thin mint cookies in the office. But I want a cupcake. I want a cupcake AND a cookie.

12:32: I don’t know what was so monstrous about the cookie monster. He was just a fuzzy blue creature who loved cookies and was hungry a lot. Why did everyone keep calling him a monster?

12:45: I’m going to try this delicious salad that I am significantly less enthused about than yesterday’s salad, because as far as I can tell its basically just some walnuts and cheese. Wait. Not cheese. Shredded onions? Shit.

12:47: Wait, these aren’t walnuts. I think I will try one of them experimentally.

12:48: I do not know what it is. It’s not a walnut. I think this salad needs some dressing.

12:49: I am not supposed to use dressing. Olive oil is not making this more delightful, though.

12:50: I wish there were, say, olives in this salad.

12:51: Or cheese.

12:52: Or tomatoes

12:53: Or maybe some bacon bits.

12:55: I think I’m going to slowly parcel this salad out say, over the afternoon.

1:30: No, no, this salad fails. It’s dry and crunchy and has no good bits that I can fish out or strategically pair with lettuce to make it more enjoyable. Fail, salad. Fail.

2:00: Salad is now in the trash, about half eaten. I’m pretty hungry, though.

3:00: Lilit shows up with miso soup. We agree that it’s not really cheating because… I don’t think we had very good logic. I think it was like “because it’s a soup!” Which sounds fine. I’m not a huge miso soup fan, but it’s nice to have something and it seems that it’s not going to be much worse than a salad.

4:00: A co-worker brought in cupcakes and it is drinking time around the office. Incidentally, if you’re reading posts in the afternoon, it’s just good sense to assume we were drinking as we wrote them. But I am not joining in the festivities. Because I’m a healthy person. I’m healthy, I’m healthy, I’m healthy, God almighty, how does Norma Kamali do this every day? I wish I had gotten the chocolate chip Organic Avenue smoothie. Or something to help this moment not suck quite so badly. I’m really, really glad that tomorrow I get to eat some chocolate macaroons.

4:05: Though, you know, if I were trying to determine my own diet (which is always some vague dictate about eating better) rather than sticking to this sort of plan, I would definitely be tucking into cheap champagne and some chocolate cupcakes right now. Darling, chocolate cupcakes, with pretty white frosting. I’d be happy. But this is forcing me to stick to a healthy eating plan more closely than I ever would by myself, and that’s probably a good thing.

4:15: I’m having a Diet Coke. It will make me happy, and I need one, and I don’t care if it’s poison.

5:00: I finish off my pack of almonds. They’re still perfectly acceptable. I just really wish there was something I could look forward to eating today. Anything.

5:15: Oh, hell, I jut remembered I have a dinner date tonight.

5:30: My date is completely fine with it. We change it over to a movie instead. Which is perfect, because I never eat during the movies anyway.

6:30: Whoa, this is really great Gazpacho. I’m not a Gazpacho fan normally, but it has a really good, spicy kick to it. This meal doesn’t actually bother me all that much, because I have soup for dinner a lot of time time anyway (it’s a cheap food that requires almost no preparation or skill on my part). I don’t love it as much as the carrot ginger soup yesterday, but these all seem like a big step up from Campbell’s. I have no doubt that after this I’ll be going back to my lunchtime cupcake, but I’d definitely seriously consider spending a little extra to get these soups. And unlike the smoothies, they’re good for quite a few days, so you can store them.

8:00: The movie itself is a great idea. I stopped eating popcorn during some sort of angsty 14 year old bout where I decided that Americans were all tacky and obese and disgusting and when I grew up I was going to go live in France. It lasted about 3 months (until my parents sent me on an exchange program to Paris and I realized I liked living in a country where drugstores were open on Sundays) and the only lingering effect was that I don’t eat movie theater popcorn. So I don’t feel like I’m missing out on some part of my routine.

10:00: Unfortunately, it didn’t occur to me that now that the movie is over my date would ask  if I wanted to grab a drink. I explain that the cleanse means I can’t. “No problem,” he says, “we could jut get coffee! There’s a good coffee shop right nearby.” I have to explain that again, no, I’m kind of stuck, and worried that I sound like the most high maintenance girl ever. And I’d just feel silly going someplace and only ordering a glass of water. So that’s lame. But at least I can tell him that we should go out for real food as soon as this is over. I do worry about how you’d handle say, meeting people for coffee if you were doing this all the time, though.

10:15: But it means that I am home in time to watch Vincent D’Onofrio’s final case on Law and Order: Criminal Intent! I’m super excited about this because I’m secretly 65 years and live in a retirement home in Florida. You know what, Law and Order: Criminal Intent is going to be a trend like sweatpants are a trend. Whatever, it goes very well with my Green Love smoothie. Unfortunately, the smoothie doesn’t make me significantly less hungry, though, but maybe that’s a good thing because it means I’m a little tired.

12:00: Okay, I’m exhausted again. However, I feel oddly proud of myself. I mean, it was sort of a tough day, but it didn’t keep me from generally going out and having fun and doing the things I’d normally do. If I, say, became diabetic tomorrow or for some major dietary reason had to adhere to this all the time, I think I could do it. As opposed to dying, I guess. And it is amazingly nice to feel tired at the end of the day rather than being awake and ready to work at 2:00 in the morning, so I think the idea of cutting back on caffeine is really, really good.

Pros: It’s really useful to have a specific program to stick to, because there is otherwise no way I would deviate from my usual routine. And I’m sleeping normal hours for the first time in forever, so it’s great from that standpoint. And I look rested. And most of the food really is very tasty, high quality food, especially the soups.

Cons: Okay, if I were doing this all the time, I think I would have to give myself some sort of food to look forward to every day, because otherwise this is just too boring. It’s also really hard to organize social outings since so many of them involve eating or drinking. I guess you’d have to be more comfortable just sitting with other people as they ate. Or maybe you would schedule all your dates to meet you at Norma Kamali’s Wellness Cafe.

Was My Major Concern Worth Worrying About?: Absolutely. It stinks to go through a day and feel like there’s no fun food you get to eat. But I think that you could definitely avoid that by mixing in some of the really good sea salt almonds, or dark chocolate, or a chocolate chip smoothie or whatever you like within the context of healthy, organic options. Still, the idea of never having another cupcake strikes me as pretty much incomprehensible.