Ah, the Daily Mail, terrorizing women as a rule, concern trolling them with impressive passive aggression as an exception. Yesterday, the paper learned that a new study discovered women begin worrying about aging in their late 20s–women, of course, as opposed to people–and took this as an excuse to post a bunch of photos of celebrities with leading captions about saggy breasts and the like. As for the study’s scientific merit, we’ll get to that.

Anyway, the Mail‘s coverage begins like so:

Sagging breasts, a wrinkly face, thread veins and thinning hair. They all sound like signs of aging that women in their 70s might be worrying about. But apparently we all begin to fret about theses physical quandaries much, much, much earlier than that: at the age of just 29. Yes, a woman’s battle to grow old gracefully begins at the end of her twenties, according to new research.

Which means Miranda Kerr, Cheryl Cole, Mila Kunis, Emily Blunt and Agyness Deyn – all on the cusp of turning 30 – are likely to already be panicking about age spots, thinning lips and facial hair.

Having spent their teens trying to look older than they actually are, women finally become happy with their appearance in their early twenties. But all that changes at 29. At 29 women become more concerned about trying to look young again, amid fears of wrinkles, sagging boobs, bingo wings and crow’s feet. They also tend to find their first grey hair. In fact, some 33 per cent of women fret about going grey, and thinning hair is a major worry for three in 10. A third of women say a sagging bottom keeps them awake at night, while 29 per cent want to avoid a wrinkly cleavage at all costs.

First, let’s take a moment to let our uncontrollable laughter subside, that which results whenever we encounter the UK slang for arm fat (“bingo wings”).

Anyway. We know it’s lazy writing but… seriously? You’re going to call out a bunch of beautiful women–some of them, like Kerr and Deyn, who are professionally beautiful–and then list off all the body insecurities they’re supposedly worried about? Did no one see anything wrong with this? The headline image is a very deliberately-chosen pap shot of Cheryl Cole, hunched over at a mildly unflattering angle, accompanied by the caption, “Growing old gracefully? Saggy boobs become a real worry for women after the age of 29 – the age Cheryl Cole is now- a new study reveals.”

But don’t fret, average ladies. You, like Victoria’s Secret Angel Miranda Kerr and recently-named Sexiest Woman Alive Mila Kunis, can also go gray worrying about all the same shit vastly more beautiful women worry about. The Mail has helpfully ranked our biggest fears:

1. Getting wrinkles
2. Sagging face
3. Sagging boobs
4. Facial hair
5. Going grey
6. Middle aged spread
7. Wrinkly cleavage
8. Thinning hair
9. Sagging bottom
10. Bingo wings
11. Wrinkly hands
12. Getting a double chin
13. Thread veins
14. Getting crow’s feet
15. Receding gums
16. Getting age spots on hands
17. Thinning lips
18. Receding hair line
19. Bigger moles
20. Bigger ears

So. There you have it. All of your body anxieties in one place. If you weren’t worried enough about thread veins, receding gums and “bingo wings” you sure as shit can now. And you can thank the Mail.

Oh, it’s probably worth noting that the study was conducted by Superdrug, a company that sells (wait for it)… makeup and skincare products. Says their buying director, Adam Groom, of the findings: “It is incredible to think that those who are still in the prime of their life at 29 are already worrying about the effect aging will have on their face and body.” Starts out reasonable, right? After all, cosmetics companies conduct studies all the time… but he continues:

“That said, it’s really never too early to take care of your skin, and today’s women are lucky that products on our shelves really work. A quick skincare routine started at 29 really will combat the signs of aging and it’s got to be worth the effort.”

Wait a minute. It sounds like he’s trying to sell something.

To which the Daily Mail ads…

Superdrug’s new Optimum PhytoCellTecTM skincare collection utilizes stem cell technology from rare apples and grapes to help combat the signs of aging.