[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTW4QHuWpD4?version=3]

Think you are as horrified as you will ever be by the antics of the moms on Toddlers and Tiaras? Think again! A preview video from the upcoming season shows a woman named June momming the hardest of any pageant mom yet by giving her daughter a mystery “special juice” to get her hyped up for competition.

“It’s just to help her energize her,” June helpfully explains of the juice, which I’m guessing is some toxic combination of sugar water and caffeine. “[Some people say] you’re doping your child up…no I’m not. I’m not hurting her.” Because excessive amounts of sugar are not in any way related to cavities, childhood obesity, or general poor health.

“My go go juice is kicking in right now!” young Alana squeals after chugging the bottle, then proceeds to have a meth-like freak out during which she slurs that she is “ready to go.” Is it just me, or is this the exact plot of every Lifetime movie-of-the-week about a fictitious coke-addicted stripper?

Perhaps even more disturbing than her dependence on the juice, though, is her assertion she wants to be “a couponer, like her mom” when she grows up, because that is not a job. Also, I don’t want to get all Henry Higgins on you, but does anyone else think this child could use some elocution lessons? Maybe she’d stop getting “third runner-up” if she, ostensibly a native speaker of the English language, stopped needing subtitles to be understood. In the many stages of childhood development, I firmly hold that “learning to talk” should come before “dressing up like Daisy Duke” and “getting addicted to drugs.”

(Via The New York Daily News)