the bro

Here’s a conversation starter for the company Christmas party! Not only does smoking weed give you “man boobs,” but CNN thinks man boobs are a very pressing issue. According to an actual, respected, reputable news outlet, “Can smoking pot really give you man boobs? Probably.” Journalism!

Apparently, animal studies have suggested that there’s something in marijuana that lowers testosterone levels, thus causing a man’s body to store fat more like a woman’s does. (The article redacts the details of the animal study, leaving me free to imagine that they got a monkey really stoned, gave him a bag of Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos, and measured his cup size Victoria’s Secret-style every few hours. A girl can dream.) In humans, “lower testosterone levels have been reported in chronic marijuana users compared to nonusers,” which is really shocking news to me, since all my stoner dude friends seem really aggressive and energetic about how much they want to sit on the couch and stream Barbie Life In The Dreamhouse. Masculinely.


I’m sorry, you’re right– I should be more respectful. We’re talking about the very serious topic of man boobs. CNN exposes what an epidemic they really are:

Gynecomastia, otherwise known as man boobs (or moobs for short), is a condition that affects approximately 33% to 41% of men between the ages of 25 and 45. It’s even more common during puberty, affecting 60% of 14-year-old boys. Interestingly, it also affects 55% to 60% of men aged 50 and older.

So basically, this extremely rare condition affects most living men. Good thing we gave it a name!

In all seriousness, it sucks that our stupid culture has started forcing body image issues onto men that rival our own, and it sucks that lots of guys are seeking cosmetic surgery to remove totally normal fat from their totally normal chests. Here’s hoping stoner dudes worldwide can come to terms with their lovelumps and accept them for what they are– a built-in shelving unit on which you can balance chips and queso while playing video games. Thanks, science!

Via CNN / Photos: Seinfeld (1995), Tumblr