I’m doing this Dukan Diet thing where you’re supposed to eat as much protein as possible for five days. You also get a little fiber. I’m on day three, and it’s really hard to stick to.

8:30: I had a plain yogurt. It sucked. Yogurt without any kind of flavoring tastes like paste. But not fun paste. Not like being a kid and eating paste. No-fun paste.

10:30: I’m hungry. It’s too early for lunch. Normally I might snack on a granola bar or some fruit or something, but I can’t today because is a no good day whatsoever. But I try to think about my goals like being… thinner.

12:00: I go out to the deli salad bar for lunch where I get some plain sliced chicken and tofu and bits of steak that I have to pick out of their salad mix so I don’t mix in any greenery with the protein. I’m convinced that everyone in the deli is looking at me as though I’m completely insane because who eats only meat? I hear this diet is popular in France, so I try to pretend I’m French by speaking French in my head. It’s weird.

3:00: I’m starving again, and after doing this for three days I have really weird dry-mouth. If feels like a cat died between my teeth.

5:00: Fuck everything! I’m having a granola bar! You’re supposed to have some fiber with the Dukan Diet. They recommended oatmeal, but I really hate oatmeal. This granola bar is so good that it’s like ingesting joy itself. I’m probably not supposed to eat it because it’s making me feel too good about everything.

8:00: I’m out at a party. I can’t eat anything. It’s all those tiny little passed hors d’ouvres, which normally I love, but now are totally inedible. It’s really dumb. I drink two vodka tonics and feel super drunk. I don’t think vodka has carbs.

I hated today. It sucked. Pretty much the whole thing except for the granola bar and the vodka, which I can’t deny were excellent. I’d like to say I feel really proud of myself, but I’m afraid to say anything because I’m pretty sure that my breath smells like dead cat.