The moon is an inconsiderate prick.

The moon is an iconsiderate prick.

Ladies! Sleeping with a light on could be making you fat! Worse still, sleeping in non-enveloping cocoon-like darkness could be… making you fat!

This is horrible news, because everything else already makes us fat. But apparently there is room for another thing.

We learned this from a recent American Medical Association report (PDF) that concludes…

The disrupting effects of nighttime lighting on our bodies’ circadian rhythms may contribute to “obesity, diabetes, depression and mood disorders, and reproductive problems.” Moreover, artificial light causes our bodies to suppress the release of melatonin, elevating our risk of contracting cancer, and especially breast cancer.

Oh, there’s some other stuff about safety? No matter, the real concern here is what makes you fat.

So. Let’s pause for a moment and take stock: do we have a final tally of what makes you fat? Though we were astonished to discover that The Daily Mail doesn’t keep a master list of everything currently ruining women’s bodies, we figured we could just make one ourselves.

Without further ado, here are things that are making you fat:

  • Everything
  • Food
  • Fatty foods
  • Fat free foods
  • Healthy foods
  • Sugar
  • Artificial sweeteners
  • Eating too little
  • Eating too much
  • Skipping breakfast
  • Eating three square meals
  • Eating after 8:00 PM
  • Eating after 7:00 PM
  • Eating before noon
  • Eating before bed
  • Not eating a small snack before bed
  • Midnight snacking
  • Eating any time outside of a very small window which has yet to be defined
  • Lunar cycles
  • Moon goings on
  • The sun, probably
  • People in Guam
  • Skin cancer
  • All cancer
  • Any disease
  • Viruses
  • The common cold
  • Treatments for the common cold
  • Soup
  • Fiscal responsibility
  • Eating that instead of this
  • Eating right before working out
  • Eating right after working out
  • Working out
  • Stationary equipment
  • Building muscle
  • Protein
  • Carbs
  • Dairy
  • Fruit
  • Fruit juice
  • Dried fruit
  • Stone fruits
  • Cooking your vegetables
  • Tomatoes (?)
  • Fructose
  • Drinking wine
  • Not drinking enough wine
  • Drinking soda
  • Drinking diet soda
  • Too much caffeine
  • No caffeine
  • Bread
  • White bread
  • Whole grain bread
  • 7 grain bread
  • 6 grain bread
  • Dry toast
  • Oyster crackers
  • Anxiety
  • Anxiety (specifically about weight gain)
  • Anti-anxiety medication
  • Existential angst
  • Having no friends
  • Having fat friends
  • Fast food
  • Preservatives
  • Steamed broccoli and fish
  • Grilled chicken with salad
  • Salad dressing
  • Fat free salad dressing
  • Oil free salad dressing
  • Sugar free salad dressing
  • Using lemon juice instead of salad dressing
  • Not sleeping enough
  • Sleeping in
  • Comfortable temperatures
  • Being single
  • Being cheated on
  • Not vacuuming enough
  • Chore equality
  • Fat acceptance
  • Misandry
  • Feminism
  • Sexism (especially the music of Taylor Swift)
  • Sex-positivity
  • Self-worth
  • Heteronormativity
  • Benefitting from heteronormativity
  • Complaining about heteronormativity
  • All the lipstick we accidentally swallow
  • The spiders you eat in your sleep
  • Reading
  • Book learnin’
  • Too much time on the internet
  • Unemployment
  • Employment
  • Sitting all day
  • Eating while using a computer
  • Eating while reading this very post
  • Leggings
  • Hating Anne Hathaway
  • Loving Jennifer Lawrence
  • Smoking
  • Quitting smoking
  • Stress from quitting smoking
  • Stress
  • Fruit (still)
  • Too much of a good thing
  • Not carrying an envelope-shaped handbag
  • Inaccurate nutritional information
  • Woefully inaccurate nutritional information
  • Intentionally manipulative and hurtful nutritional information
  • Not reading the nutritional information
  • Getting pregnant
  • Breastfeeding
  • Not breastfeeding
  • Babies
  • Toddlers
  • Chasing after toddlers
  • Children (especially fat children)
  • Tweens/teens
  • Numbered lists
  • Listicles
  • Photolisticles
  • New media
  • Social media
  • The liberal media elite
  • Solipsism
  • Doritos
  • Phthalates
  • Bees?
  • Bees going extinct

Did we miss any?