I tell them I’m going to a funeral. I try to let some tears well up in my eyes a little bit. And then they go away, mortified, and I’m pretty sure that they’ll never, ever do it again.

I do this because I hate being told to do things by strangers. And it always sort of astonishes me the number of people who – while you’re walking around, contemplating the nature of Schopenhauer’s pessimism – will interrupt your reverie by exclaiming “smile!” Who are you, stranger? Who are you? The smile police? Fuck the smile police.

“Cheer up” is also popular. But I am not necessarily feeling cheerful at that moment. You want me to cheer up? It means that much to you? Pass me a $10 bill. You won’t even have to say anything, I’ll smile for that. Or, you know, a vodka bottle. Or diamonds! Pass me a fistful of diamonds and a gold bar! But people shouldn’t have to do things just because you demand it, without you putting in any effort whatsoever.

Other popular office responses include:

Eat a dick, scumbag. (Smile while you say it).

Smiling makes me look fat.

I’m going to jump off the Empire State building

Wait- I am smiling,I just got botox OH MY GOD I CAN”T MOVE MY FACE! HELP! HELP ME!

Your mom should smile

Please, feel free to contribute your own.