Look, please, if you’re going to paint your nails, don’t paint them with the SpongeBob SquarePants characters. Why? A) Because you’re a grown woman and B) Because SpongeBob is freaking frightening. I’m not saying that in a “hahahaha, I live in Williamsburg and am acutely sensitive to things” way. I live in not-Brooklyn and have the heart of a robot-ox. But that show is just about, I don’t know, the winds of solitude roaring at the edges of infinity. Underwater infinity.

So basically, I think you should paint your nails with pints of beer to represent Cheers, because that’s a good show to watch if nothing else is on. Or you could paint them with little zombies for The Walking Dead. Or you could just chop off your fingers to represent Gossip Girl, because I don’t even understand the machinations of that show anymore, except that everyone is drugging each other and forcing them to go down to hobo-town.

I’ll leave it up to you, shall I? What TV show do you think deserves a manicure?