Just when you thought the era of bling was over, Jennifer Love Hewitt had to go and pimp her vagina.
Vajazzling is all the rage on the internet these days, but if this is the latest fad finding journalists and bloggers lined up down the block for that coveted first person scoop, I think I’d rather be tased. Think this makes me a masochist? Quite the opposite.
Let’s talk about the pain factor. While the applications of Swarovski crystals to one’s ladyflower region may not be painful, the application of hot wax and tearing of hair from the root during the Brazilian wax preceding the sparkle portion of the procedure would be more than enough to send me screaming in the opposite direction.
And pain isn’t the only potential side effect. Ingrown hairs, infection, torn skin and downright disfiguration are all distinct possibilities. If you don’t believe me, try googling “Brazilian wax gone wrong.”
That isn’t to say I think having 50,000 volts of electricity course through your veins would be a great way to unwind at the end of the week, but considering a static electricity shock contains 30,000 volts, I’m willing to take my chances.
According to most first hand accounts, while the shock of a taser leaves you immobilized while the charge is being admitted, the pain subsizes shortly after. I don’t think the Florida woman whose labia was torn from her body during a waxing session could say the same.
But back to our friend the vajazzle. The last time I remember bedazzling being cool was 1992, and even then the whole practice of affixing “diamond” studs to your jean jacket was a little questionable. Assuming the only other person who would see your pimped-out crotch is your sex partner, this whole thing could go terribly, terribly wrong.
My own boyfriend’s reaction when I showed him “after” pictures of one blogger’s vajazzling experience was one of confusion and fear. “Um…why???” he said, looking at my laptop screen with his brow furrowed and head cocked. When I mentioned the possibility of a rogue crystal lodging itself…elsewhere? He was out.
Now imagine that scenario playing out in a new relationship, or with a guy who turns out to be an asshole ,and you could have stories of your vajazzling experience haunting you for years.
Which leads me to the most superficial part of my own vajazzle vs. tasing debate—the badass factor.
Vajazzling seems to be the clear loser here. Which story would be more likely to enrapt people’s attention at a party—and which would you prefer to share—the time you were shot with a taser or the time you had someone glitter up your vajayjay?
While I’m sure there’s an audience out there who would love nothing more than some sparkly adornment down there, I’m guessing these are the same women who carry a rhinestone-encrusted cell phone and got a tribal tattoo across their lower back during their last spring break. I’d join Team Taser over the alternative any day.
Valerie Marino is a writer, editor and knitting aficionado living in North Carolina.