Do you wake up every morning wondering “Why do I not look more like True Blood star Anna Paquin?” It’s because your teeth are too nice. And by nice, I mean boring. You really need a gap in them. Like Lauren Hutton, and Lara Stone, and Sienna Miller and Jane Birkin and anyone who is anyone. See? Also, babies have them. Especially babies with dysentery.

Fortunately, you can correct those years of orthodontia with a procedure that sounds sort of scary and painful. It basically consists of sawing off a portion of your front teeth. Dr. Irwin Smigel, President of the American Society of Dental Aesthetics, explained how we’d do it in our phone call with him:

Me: Hi, I heard you do cosmetic dentistry. Is that the case?

Receptionist: Yes, we do!

Me: Great. I was wondering if you could do anything regarding a gap in my teeth.

Receptionist: Yes, you can do that. We can fill that. Dr. Smigel could bond a tooth.

Me: No, no, no, I want one put in!

Receptionist: I am sorry, I do not understand you.

Me: Just a small one. A little one. Between my two front teeth. Like Anna Paquin.

Receptionist: You want a gap filled? Yes, we can do that. We can bond the front two teeth.

Me: No, no, I really want a gap created.

Receptionist: I couldn’t understand you! Oh, you want it created. Yes, we can do that!

Me: Really? How would you do that?

Receptionist: Let me put you on the phone with Dr. Smigel. Let me find out from the doctor.

Dr. Smigel: Yes, you want a gap created? Number one, we’d have to see it [your teeth?]. Most of the time I’d just reduce a little from the two front teeth. Unfortunately, if you do it with braces there’s a tendency for it to return. After all the work the gap closes on its own! So I reduce, that way you’d be able to see as I opened it, so you can tell what’s right for you.

Me: So you shave away from the two front teeth?

Dr. Smigel: Yes, you just shave away from the front two teeth. You can see how we do it, and determine how large you want the gap.

Obviously, we want a gap large enough to fall into, because it will totally launch our modeling career. Also, it’s reassuring to know that dentists will still do anything you ask them to without hesitation.