monster energy drinks

Do you know why? Because if you try to take my energy drinks away from me I will pretty much throw a car at you. I have so much energy that I am currently cradling a Chevrolet like a baby!

I know, I know. Energy drinks keep killing people. According to NBC:

The Food and Drug Administration said on Monday that it was investigating reports of five deaths that may be associated with Monster Beverage Corp’s energy drink.

And now it’s happening again with 5 Hour Energy.

This broke my heart, the way it might break yours to find out that your comforting, childhood stuffed animal was secretly a serial rapist. Because I love energy drinks. I especially love Zero Calorie Monster. I drink it every day. I’d say it’s because I am chronically sleep deprived, but I’m not. I get between seven and eight hours almost every night (and I realize this puts me in a vast majority of people on the planet right now). But I am still tired a great portion of the time. And no, I’m not anemic. I keep having my doctor test me every year when I go in thinking “maybe this is the year we’ll detect anemia!” but no, I think I’m just one of those people who need 9 hours of sleep a night to feel well rested. So, the opposite of the sleepless elite, really. I am sleepy hoi polloi, basically.

I’ll never survive the apocalypse and become a cannibal king, because that position will totally be occupied by one of those people who sleep 4 hours a night. Like Napoleon.

That makes me so sad.

Do you know what helps with that? Zero Calorie Monster. I have never experienced heart palpitations as a result. Or anything negative, really. It hasn’t even made me unable to sleep. I have experienced a mild feeling of energy that has made me able to get through my day without napping at my desk.

Look, I am mildly worried about the whole “energy drinks seeming to kill people business.” But, well, they have not killed me. They have not caused me to sweat profusing or talk with my teeth chattering like a cocaine addict. And I do drink them pretty regularly, and, if anything, they seem to add to the overall quality of my days.

I am considering giving them up, now, in the same way I always consider giving up drinking, because ultimately I am sure neither one is great in the long run, but both seem to offer more in the way of positive results than negative ones.

I mean, you can’t write without drinking, and you can’t throw a car without energy drinks (joking, in both cases).

However, if you want to pry my energy drinks away from me, because you, yourself are a monster, and I assume you will be doing so to weaken me, do you have any suggestions on natural way to increase your energy? I already exercise. This is the first thing everyone says “try exercise.” That’s not true.That makes me mildly awake. I want cradling a small automobile awake. Go.

Also, do you drink tons of energy drinks? We should know one another so we’ll be able to locate stashes following the apocalypse.


Picture via Monster Energy