Perhaps you’d like to get your gentleman-friend a present that’s a little different this season. Maybe you’re tired of just giving him ties and books relating to his hobbies. Maybe you want to go a little unorthadox. A little quirky. A little sexy.

In which case, I recommend these absolutely charming slippers by Stubbs and Wootton. They say “Zelda, fetch some more champagne, I’m going to pop corks in the general direction of some polio-afflicted groundskeepers.” I think this is funny, and I think your gentleman-friend will think the slippers are funny, too, because he has a good sense of humor and a very, very conflicted relationship with groundskeepers.

Oh, wait, you say you want something to make said gentleman-friend recoil in absolute horror? In that case, you should get vajazzled. And not by professionals! Why don’t you do it yourself? Yeah, do that. Completely Bare makes a Vajazzle All the Way kit for $75. According to their press release:

“This custom Swarovski crystal design kit includes everything you need to start with a smooth foundation and end up sparkling everywhere! “

Just like vampirism. Anyhow, you can just start adhering some crystals to your ladybits right now. Right freaking now. Because really, what could possibly go wrong?