Because, apparently, gaining weight after marriage is a statistical likelihood. The University of Ohio just did a study which states that marriage can produce a “weight shock” and cause women – especially older women – gain weight.

Here are some reasons we think it might happen and what to do about them:

1) You no longer care about your weight. You’re married. You eat all the cream puffs.

Solution: You live in 1955 but at least you have a lot of cream puffs. Marriage isn’t an end goal that means you should just give up on everything. Oh, fuck it. Share the cream puffs with us? Sharing is fun! We wish were more like you, just not caring, a lot of the time.

2) You are busy with housework and have no time for the gym.

Solution: Make your husband divide chores 50/50. Go to the gym. Solved. Or just scale back on the chores because no one actually cares if the tile in the bathroom looks ugly.

3) You eat more now because you eat regular meals and possibly cook things that you two enjoy.

Solution: Honestly, you were never supposed to be living entirely off of tasti-d-lite and rice cakes. Thank God you’re eating now. Good for you. Good choices. Carry on.

Those are all the reasons we can think of, other than, “your husband is secretly fattening you up for the slaughter” which is always a possibility you should keep in the back of your dark little mind.