I was thinking the other day about money and work and how those things relate to me, and suddenly I thought “what if I get addicted to cocaine or meth and end up having to sell all of my belongings to support my habit?” Because, really, who can control that sort of thing?

I decided that, to be safe, it would probably be best to figure out how to advertise my personal belongings to maximize profit BEFORE my mind becomes all clouded by years of drug abuse.  When I’m all strung out and my only career option is selling my couch, I’m sure I’ll appreciate that I thought ahead and wrote out the best advertisements possible.

So here they are – all of my belongings that are worth anything – advertised to the best of my ability.



Car/sauna for sale. Convenient for driving and for hatha yoga. When it’s working, you can drive it anywhere you like.  When it is not working, simply allow it to sit in the sun and WHAMMO! You’ve got yourself a sauna.

Also will cook a small turkey at a temperature almost hot enough to prevent E. Coli.  Equipped with decorative windshield wipers and and a free bumper sticker. Beeps real loud.


HOLY SHIT!! THIS COUCH IS THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING IN THE WORLD!! Seriously.  I’m so comfortable I can’t even finish writing this.

Okay, I got up off the couch so I could actually be productive and tell you more about how fucking fantastic this couch is.  First, it’s not even really a couch – more of a lifestyle.  When you sit down on it, it feels as if you are being embraced by everything you’ve ever loved at the same time.  If God were a piece of furniture, He would be this couch.

So if you think you’re ready for the couch-experience of a lifetime, send me an email and I’ll send you the application for purchase.  I’m not just going to let anybody and their brother buy this couch, so I have to make sure you’re qualified to enjoy it properly.

Couch #2

This couch isn’t nearly as awesome as my other couch, but it still provides a reasonably cushioned horizontal surface upon which you may sit while watching sporting events on your television or maybe while doing other things too.  I’m not going to tell you exactly how to use my couch — the possibilities are pretty endless.  For example, you could set your mail on it, use it as a dartboard, train your pets not to  sleep on it, use it as a conversational piece (I’ll provide you with a detailed list of stories behind each of the many stains on this couch [hint: one of the stories involves a pen exploding spontaneously]), or even use it to practice martial arts.  It’s pretty durable.  You can punch it as much as you want and it probably won’t even get dented.

10 cans of garbanzo beans

I went through a phase where I was like “I know what would be a good idea!  Buying lots of garbanzo beans!”  After I purchased the garbanzo beans, I realized that I was just being idealistic and there was no way that I could actually consume that many garbanzo beans even if they’re cheap and healthy.  But maybe you want some garbanzo beans!  These beans have about eight years left until they expire, so you’ll have plenty of time before you need to use them.  I’ll even decorate the cans for you.  Wouldn’t it be neat to open up your pantry and see a bunch of cans with googly eyes staring back at you?  I could probably buy, like, a hundred pairs of those stick-on googly eyes from K-Mart for under ten dollars, so the price on the garbanzo beans wouldn’t even increase that much.

Think about it.


Dude, I have too many blankets.  I don’t even know how it happened, I guess I’m just, like, some sort of blanket magnet or something.  Blankets find me.  I seriously have like, nineteen blankets and I don’t really need that many.  But maybe you have no blankets or only one blanket and you feel that the amount of blankets you have is insufficient.

In that case, I am willing to sell or barter a few of my blankets.  You can’t have the fuzzy one that my mom made me and you definitely can’t have the purple one, but any of the other blankets are pretty much fair game.

Abstract art/paint

Do you want to make your house look super classy but don’t want to spend the money it would take to buy real art?  I will make art for you.  Do you like yellow?  I have days of yellow paint.  I could paint twelve paintings using only yellow paint and I’d probably still have a ton of it left over.  I have other colors too, but mostly yellow.

I bought the yellow paint to paint my bedroom, but then I decided that actually painting an entire room would be way too much work and so now I have all of this unused paint.  I could sell you the can of yellow paint by itself or I could put it on paper for you in a classy sort of fashion (see above) and sell it to you as art.  It’s really up to you.  I’m pretty flexible.