Oakland Athletics v Houston Astros firew

What’s America doing this Monday? Sitting around and being sad its birthday is over, mostly. I had a conversation with it, and it went something like this:

Me: Hi America, how ya’ doing?

America: I just want to be quiet for a little bit.

Me: Oh.

Long silence, lasting hundreds of years.

America: I feel pretty sad because my birthday is over.

Me: You had a nice party, though. There were fireworks. And Obama.

America: I’m old. I just feel old. And fat. I’m lumpy. My body will never be skinny and tiny again, not like it used to be. I’m fat. I’m old. They don’t even do fireworks with music the way France gets fireworks.


We can help though.