Gwyneth Paltrow, here is my bottom-line piece of advice for you, because I’m getting tired of being forced to critique your moronic ramblings every single month in your newsletter, GOOP: stop trying to pretend that you have anything in common with 99.99% of working mothers in the world. Just stop.

You’d be infinitely more likable if you just owned your fucking awesome life — if you were just all, “guess what, world? My husband and I are worth tens of millions of dollars. Any time I want, I can choose to work for two months and make $15 million. My mother is Blythe Danner. I’m better-looking that just about every single person in the world. I do colonics.”

Look, I like you even better already, and I wrote that myself!

But instead, you insist on acting like you’re just another harried working mother, and you do that — Jesus Christ, why do I even bother? — you do that by sitting down to chat about it with your pal, Stella McCartney.

You know, Stella McCatrney. Internationally renowned clothing designed, daughter of living legend and former Beatle Paul McCartney.

Oh yeah, and also Juliet de Baubigny, a venture capitalist and board member of Project RED (what a coincidence!). You know — a civilian.

Between Juliet, Gwynnie, and Stella, here are some life-saving tips that the average mother can use to make life a little easier!

  1. Have a personal trainer come to your house every Monday morning to motivate you to exercise!
  2. Use your iPad to coordinate your schedule while you do the eliptical! You know…your iPad! That you have!
  3. Have a weekly blow-out!
  4. Have a full-time assistant!
  5. Have friends who can give you good advice — like the COO of Facebook!
  6. Have your facial, manicure and pedicure done at the same salon, in one fell swoop! (That is a real breakthrough, isn’t it, ladies?)
  7. Instead of shopping, just plan to completely overhaul your wardrobe once for fall, and again for spring!
  8. Spontaneous laughter is a waste of time — schedule it instead!
  9. Remember what girlfriends are there for — to give you great timesaving tips!
  10. Talk your kids out of taking a shit when they say they need to! (You’re tired!)
  11. Get a full-time nanny! (Oh….you didn’t think any of this was done without nannies, did you?)
  12. Don’t make your own schedule! Instead, have a “team” that does it for you!
  13. Find food stores that deliver — everything from veggies to fresh fish!
  14. Get a job that primarily involves a) people bringing designer clothes to your home so that you might select from them for all your work-related appearances, and b) doing phone interviews!

Gwyn, let me give it to you one more time, and perhaps a little simple math will make it more clear. You + GOOP ≠ reality. Sorry.