Okay, you’ve got your makeup and hair ready. You have on your most revealing dress. You’re bringing a date who looks way awful so you’ll look better by proxy. You’re getting increasingly pretentious by the moment. You’ve got this Oscars thing in the bag, my friend, but wait–you are sober! And that is such a shame, so play The Gloss’ official 2014 Oscars drinking game!

We recommend you sit back and relax with a glass of your favorite champagne sparkling wine 40 oz. poured into fancy goblets, and abide by these rules. Julia and I will be playing on Sunday during our liveblogging (which you’ll be following along with, right?), so we’ll be right there with you.

First, the red carpet:

  • Take a sip for every long, silk gown in a jewel tone.
  • Take a sip every time somebody looks uncomfortable with the manicam.
  • If Kerry Washington‘s maternity dress is her best of this season, take 3 sips.
  • Take a shot if Ryan Seacrest mispronounces somebody’s name.
  • Drink a whole glass if there’s a nip slip. Then take off your shirt and run around the apartment in solidarity.
  • If Jennifer Lawrence wears Christian Dior, take 2 sips.
  • Take a sip from your grossest cup if Bradley Cooper forgot the shower.
  • Whenever Giuliana Rancic is clearly creeping someone out, take a sip.
  • Every time somebody photobombs another star, take a shot.
  • If Lupita Nyong’o fakes her hairline, take 3 sips.
  • If Jared Leto is wearing a man bun, take a giant gulp.
  • Every time Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski play fight during their commentary, take a sip.
  • Take a sip for every actor bringing a woman over 15 years his junior to the Oscars. (No wait, you’ll wind up with alcohol poisoning.)
  • No matter what Helen Mirren is wearing, take a sip because we all know she’ll look incredible.
  • If you’ve gotten this far and still can’t spell Matthew McConaughey‘s last name without assistance, take another gulp.

And now, for the show!

  • If Ellen makes fun of Seth Macfarlane‘s controversial gig as 2013’s host, raise your glass and take a big gulp.
  • Take a sip whenever somebody gets played off.
  • Take 2 sips whenever somebody should get played off, but isn’t.
  • Take 3 sips whenever somebody starts arguing about getting played off.
  • If Lupita makes everybody cry, take a shot.
  • Take a shot if a winner gets onstage drunk.
  • If you’re in Colorado or Washington, smoke something if James Franco‘s clearly stoned.
  • Whenever Leonardo DiCaprio looks bored, take a sip and then dump your significant other for someone 10 years younger.
  • Every time J Law makes a GIFable facial expression, take a sip.
  • Every time J Law says something adorkably self-deprecating written by her PR team, take 2 sips.
  • If Sandra Bullock wins, take a sip, but be sure to do so while yelling erratically and rolling around the floor.
  • Take a sip every time somebody cries.
  • If Matthew McConaughey wins, don’t eat anything for the next few months.
  • Take a gulp whenever you see two people sitting together whom you would never imagine as friends.
  • No matter what movie wins for Best Picture, just drink the rest of your booze to prep for all the angry tweet battles flooding your dashboard over the next 3 days.

So, Glossers, who are you rooting for and what are you drinking as you do so?