headless barbie

Earlier today, Ashley pointed out that every girl in the world (not just Jessica Biel) made her barbies have sex when they were a kid.

This prompted the best comment of the day wherein Kay wrote: I think my Barbie play was vastly different. I grew up on telenovelas, so my Barbies enjoyed betraying one another, pushing each other off stairs, stealing each other’s boyfriends/husbands/babies, and being generally treacherous.

I didn’t do that. But I did play Barbie games, and I wish I was Kay’s friend, so we could betray one another. Maybe we can bond by talking about Barbie games. Here are ones I remember:

headless barbie

1) The game were you ripped her head off.

Like some kind of Goddamn Bluebeard. I will never forget how satisfying it felt when her head squeezed off its little round socket thing. It’s the kind of gross satisfaction that you’ll only experience later as a pre-teen when you pop pimples. Do you think this is why people grow up to be serial killers? Please discuss.

barbies thrown down stairs

2) The game where you threw her down the stairs to see if she landed on her head or her feet.

Do you think children play that game because, although Barbie is much more beautiful than them, and has a dream house, and a car, they are still giants? They can affirm the fact that they are giants through this game? Because the weirdest part of being a kid is being really short in comparison to everything else in the world (as a child I remember constantly thinking “why are cabinet doors all so inappropriately high up?”).

3) Sex games.

Mash. Mash. Smush. This is a great game when you are still kind of afraid of penises and want them to be hidden inside briefs. Basically, this game teaches you what somewhat unsatisfying dry humping will be like. Mash!

barbie swimsuit

4) The game where you made her show up dressed inappropriately to… places.

This might just have been my thing, but I liked to dress most of my barbies in ballgowns and then one barbie in a swimsuit, so she would show up stupidly dressed for their party. Life for my barbies existed in some sort of hell realm of disfigurement, embarrassment and unresolved sexual tension. If I am bad enough in this life, I am fully convinced I’ll be reincarnated a Barbie doll, and that is enough to keep me decent.

astronaut barbie

5) The game where you made her get a job, like an astronaut, or something.

I am fully convinced that no child in the history of the world has ever played this game.

In other quandaries: why do we treat Barbies so terribly?