Sometimes, after three hours of opening gifts and pretending to smile at children, you just want to get the hell out of your family’s holiday celebration. But it’s a delicate situation — your great-aunt traveled for hours to get there, your brother brought the baby, you’re supposed to care because it’s Christmas.

You need a foolproof excuse to get the eff out of there. Doesn’t mean you won’t come back — what are you, a barbarian? It just means that you need to excuse yourself, take a Quaalude, relax, and rejoin later. Here are five things you can tell people that will buy you at least an hour of alone time:

  1. Your friend’s car broke down. How sad! On Christmas!
  2. Someone needs to be taken to “the clinic.” Unlikely that anyone will ask you for more details than that.
  3. You’s like to go drop gifts off for needy children. How nice! On Christmas!
  4. Your BFF’s husband announced that he’s leaving her. How sad! On Christmas!
  5. You left your medication at home.