via Vh1

While I felt desperate last week at the prospect of not watching a new Jersey Shore each week, Vh1 has delivered.

I now present:  My Big Friggin’ Wedding, a cross between Jersey Shore and Bridezillas. You’re welcome.

I feel like this is Christmas and my birthday all in one.  True Life: I’m Getting Married, True Life: I’m a Jersey Shore Girl, and True Life: I’m a Staten Island Girl are my favorite True Life episodes, and I say this having had friends star in one of the other True Life episodes.  The show is produced by Sallyann Salsano, who owns 495 Productions, which produces Jersey ShoreMy Big Friggin’ Wedding features 5 couples:  3 from New Jersey, and 2 from Long Island, none of them at all polished or particularly appealing.  Having lived in both New Jersey and Long Island, I’m always excited to see anything about either, and this show promises not to disappoint.

Here are 5 life lessons I learned from episode one of My Big Friggin’ Wedding:

1.  “The person who pays calls the shots.”

An argument over the music for the wedding between one engaged couple, Johnny and Megin, of Wood Ridge, New Jersey, is squashed when her father points out that he’s paying for the wedding and therefore, he will decide what music gets played.  So if you want house music, but the person paying wants Sinatra, guess which you’ll play on your wedding day.

2.  Owning designer materials makes you a worthwhile person.

South Jersey couple, Tyler and Alyssa, of Egg Harbor, taught me this.  Alyssa told cameras, “People always wanna judge me.  They see me out, I look so young, I have this daughter who’s 3 years old, but the fact is, I’m rockin a Juicy Couture stroller, I have a Louis Vuitton bag, I drive a Benz, I have a big-ass house.  We’re doin it grand, we’re gonna have the biggest fucking wedding you’ve ever seen, and you’re gonna be jealous.”

So you’d better not waste your time on education or career opportunities, because it’s your Louie Vuitton bag that makes you accomplished.

3.  The clothes make the man

Cast member Joey wants a black vest for his wedding, but his fiancee , Sandra, (both from Lynbrook, New York) wants him to wear a white one.  Why?  Sandra thinks the black vest makes Joey look like a butler.  Bottom line:  everyone will judge you based on your outfit. It’s the most important decision you’ll  make, so you better not fuck it up.

4.  To show someone how much you love them, tattoo their face on your back.

Cast member Matt, of Elmwood Park, New Jersey, in an attempt to show his mother how much he loved her, tattooed her face on his back.  (Side note: imagine having a blacked-out one-night stand with him, only to wake up and see a stranger sleeping on his stomach, with the image of an older woman glaring at you from his back.) However, tattoos can also work the opposite way:  Matt wants his fiancee, Amanda, to get a tattoo honoring their marriage so it will hurt and bleed, to make up for all the “pain” he endured paying for the wedding.

5.  An engagement ring has special powers

“When that ring went on my finger, something came over me,” Tammie, of Lindenhurst, New York, explains.  She used to think she’d never be a “bridezilla,” but she started planning while her fiance, Danny, was still on bended knee.  An engagement ring will cause you to do insane things, such as getting Botox at the ripe age of 27.  Beware.

Watch the full episode here.