That’s right, I said it. I don’t want to watch the Super Bowl. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL.

What I do like, though — and the primary reason I go to Super Bowl parties in the first place — is to eat delicious, unhealthy food. So along those lines, here are five very enjoyable things that I might do instead of watching the Super Bowl, that you can do too:

  1. Go to Chili’s and order all the fried food that you used to devour in high school (holla, jalapeno poppers).
  2. See a movie. I guarantee (kind of) that the theaters will be empty. Buy a large popcorn and view something you want to view.
  3. Book an appointment at a salon or spa that has a notoriously long waiting list. You deserve it for all the shit you’ll get for not watching the Superbowl. You anti-American, terrorist-loving, flag-burning Nazi.
  4. Stroll around outside and listen to all the fools holed up in their living rooms, screaming the blinky box. Carry with you a few cupcakes.
  5. Stock your kitchen as if you were having a Superbowl party, then spend the two or three hours that the game is on sitting in your apartment, blissfully alone, thinking about how happy you are that you’re not doing something you don’t want to do.