I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I just got back from the dentist.

I know, I know — I totally have my shit together. My teeth right now are squeaky clean, polished and scraped free of plaque. Also, I know exactly how many cavities I have (6) which means that once I can pull together the funds, I will no longer have tooth decay anywhere in my mouth until I’m about 35. Finally, I didn’t even get a balloon at the end of my visit, because I’m a grown-up, and I don’t need that kind of stuff*.

But you don’t need to be jealous — here are 5 things that you can do to feel just as accomplished at life:

  1. Make your own dental appointment.
  2. Pay a bill.
  3. Call your grandmother (then immediately call your own mother to report your great success with maintaining family connections).
  4. File something.
  5. Buy stamps…before you run out.

*If anyone wants to send me a balloon or anything, that would be fine.