Most of the time, Pop-Tarts are pretty good. They provide just enough artificial flavoring to satiate our child-like palates, and they also manage to squeeze in barely enough calories to keep us full for about 15 minutes.

But there are a few times that Pop-Tarts seem like kind of an awkward choice to feed a crowd, and one of those times is when that crowd is stranded in the middle of the ocean on a broken down cruise ship.

Well, this is actually happening. A Carnival cruise broke down off the coast of Mexico following an engine fire. Planes are coming in to help. But rather than bringing…I don’t know, passengers home to safety…they are dropping off fucking Pop-Tarts, and leaving.

Are you kidding me? If I was stranded on a ship, first of all I would become murderous due to my abject terror. If you added to that existing fear and capacity for rage by handing me a Pop-Tart that was supposed to both feed me and calm me at the same time, whoever offered up the offending Tart would no doubt become my first victim.

Here are a few other times that a Pop-Tart would be an inadequate way of making me feel better:

  1. During a robbery.
  2. After roaming the desert for weeks (hey, it happened to my ancestors…it could happen again)(I’ve got my eye on you, Pharaoh).
  3. After a Master Cleanse.
  4. During insatiable menstrual hunger.
  5. While aboard a plane headed for the Hudson.