friends watching football

No matter how you observe the great holiday of Super Bowl Sunday, you’re absolutely guaranteed to encounter somebody aggravating. So take a deep breath and cuddle up with some Buffalo chicken dip, football fan, and get ready to encounter these seven stereotypes.

1. Mr. Glory Days. He hasn’t been on a football field since junior year of high school (and he wasn’t that stellar at the game even in his heyday), but just like Napoleon Dynamite‘s uncle, you can count on this guy to have a few stories to share.

2. The Girl Who Doesn’t Have A Clue What’s Going On But Wants To Feel Included. Plenty of women follow and love football! She’s not one of them. You can count on this girl to ask a lot of questions about the basic rules of the game, talk about unrelated things at inopportune moments, and keep asking when Bruno Mars is going to start performing.

3. The Guy Who’s Rooting For Whichever Team Has A Better Mascot. Seahawks? As in… seagulls? My money’s on the wild horses.

4. The Girl Who’s Rooting For Whichever Team Has Better Colors. Sorry, but green > orange. That’s a scientific fact.

5. The Guy Who’s Only In It For The Half Time Show. He couldn’t care less about which team is running how many yards in which direction. This guy is here for the shoddy live music, the theatrical explosions, the inevitable censored swear word, and the potential nip slip.

6. The Person Who’s Only In It For The Commercials. For one day of the year, we all put aside our issues with consumerism and just enjoy the show. Will a sexy celebrity do something sexy to sell a sexy product? Will some car company waste thousands upon thousands of dollars for a 30-second scene? That pistachio brand got PSY to do their ad last year… do you think they booked Grumpy Cat for 2014?

7. The Gender Studies Major. Not only are Super Bowl commercials notoriously sexist and demeaning, but football itself is kind of messed up and patriarchal if you look at it on paper. And the way the cameras pan up and down on the cheerleaders? Gross. (Hint: Everyone at The Gloss fits in this category.)