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Happy Thursday, granny-killers. In this week’s most exciting fallacy, professional Smurf Mike Huckabee is drawing a very confused parallel between abortion and murdering the elderly. According to Talking Points Memo, Huckabee argued that “[t]he same logic that leads women to get an abortion could justify ending the life of an elderly person who has become an inconvenience.” Then he slammed us with some rhetoric:

“If we teach the generation coming after us that it’s okay to terminate a human life because it represents a financial hardship or social disruption, what are we telling them?”

I don’t know! What are we telling them? I’m trying really hard to figure out the difference between having an abortion and killing your grandmother, but now that I know they’re the same thing, I’m struggling to the find the nuance. Let’s give it a shot.

  1. My grandma is small, like a collection of cells with no sense of awareness or humanity, but has senses and awareness of humanity. Killing her would be really awful.
  2. My grandma makes these things called Buckeyes, which are chocolate covered peanut balls that also have crispy stuff in them. I don’t even really like peanut-flavored things, but these are so amazing. I should really get the recipe. If I killed my Grandma, that would be the end of Buckeyes. If I terminated a pregnancy, nothing else would change.
  3. My grandmother, like most of the elderly population, is a human person. To kill her would be murder. To have an abortion is to have a medical procedure.
  4. Murder of my grandmother is illegal. Abortion of a fetus is legal.
  5. I didn’t have a choice in terms of my grandmother’s birth or general existence, but it worked out great. I do have a choice in terms of giving birth.
  6. My grandmother is a deeply religious woman who prayed, thought, and came to the decision that it’s not her business what other people do with their bodies. A collection of cells lodged in a uterus doesn’t have the ability to make that decision, but the person attached to that uterus does.
  7. There’s no medical necessity to kill my grandmother, despite the fact that she can sometimes be grating with her insistence that I stop wearing my hair short. Any number of medical issues can arise that would threaten the life of the mother during pregnancy and require an abortion.
  8. A fetus is not a person and abortion is not murder, so terminating a pregnancy and murdering Grandma are different in that capacity.
  9. Scientists and religious zealots alike agree that my grandmother is a person who feels pain. The same cannot be said for fetuses. Murdering my grandmother would be gravely injurious. Terminating a pregnancy would not be.
  10. Nobody is allowed to make changes to my grandmother’s body without her permission, which includes murdering her. I don’t think she’d approve of that at this juncture. I am the only person allowed to make changes to my body, which includes choosing not to be pregnant.

What a beautiful time to be alive! Actually, I am super inconvenient so will probably be euthanized soon. Still, couldn’t have asked for better weather.

Photo: Michael Jung/Shutterstock