Happy Thursday, granny-killers. In this week’s most exciting fallacy, professional Smurf Mike Huckabee is drawing a very confused parallel between abortion and murdering the elderly. According to Talking Points Memo, Huckabee argued that “[t]he same logic that leads women to get an abortion could justify ending the life of an elderly person who has become an inconvenience.” Then he slammed us with some rhetoric:
“If we teach the generation coming after us that it’s okay to terminate a human life because it represents a financial hardship or social disruption, what are we telling them?”
I don’t know! What are we telling them? I’m trying really hard to figure out the difference between having an abortion and killing your grandmother, but now that I know they’re the same thing, I’m struggling to the find the nuance. Let’s give it a shot.
- My grandma is small, like a collection of cells with no sense of awareness or humanity, but has senses and awareness of humanity. Killing her would be really awful.
- My grandma makes these things called Buckeyes, which are chocolate covered peanut balls that also have crispy stuff in them. I don’t even really like peanut-flavored things, but these are so amazing. I should really get the recipe. If I killed my Grandma, that would be the end of Buckeyes. If I terminated a pregnancy, nothing else would change.
- My grandmother, like most of the elderly population, is a human person. To kill her would be murder. To have an abortion is to have a medical procedure.
- Murder of my grandmother is illegal. Abortion of a fetus is legal.
- I didn’t have a choice in terms of my grandmother’s birth or general existence, but it worked out great. I do have a choice in terms of giving birth.
- My grandmother is a deeply religious woman who prayed, thought, and came to the decision that it’s not her business what other people do with their bodies. A collection of cells lodged in a uterus doesn’t have the ability to make that decision, but the person attached to that uterus does.
- There’s no medical necessity to kill my grandmother, despite the fact that she can sometimes be grating with her insistence that I stop wearing my hair short. Any number of medical issues can arise that would threaten the life of the mother during pregnancy and require an abortion.
- A fetus is not a person and abortion is not murder, so terminating a pregnancy and murdering Grandma are different in that capacity.
- Scientists and religious zealots alike agree that my grandmother is a person who feels pain. The same cannot be said for fetuses. Murdering my grandmother would be gravely injurious. Terminating a pregnancy would not be.
- Nobody is allowed to make changes to my grandmother’s body without her permission, which includes murdering her. I don’t think she’d approve of that at this juncture. I am the only person allowed to make changes to my body, which includes choosing not to be pregnant.
What a beautiful time to be alive! Actually, I am super inconvenient so will probably be euthanized soon. Still, couldn’t have asked for better weather.
Photo: Michael Jung/Shutterstock