You know you’ve made it when the rumors start swirling that you have a sex tape. And honestly, who doesn’t have a sex tape or two? I have a whole shelf of myself in action at home, but thankfully I’m not a celebrity so no one cares. No. I kid. I actually don’t, and the thought of seeing my naked ass in motion is something that actually keeps me up a night.

But now, according to the tabloids, Adele has an ex-boyfriend who’s out for revenge on the singer and has given a sex tape of the two of them getting it on to the media. I guess that’s what happens when you write an album detailing the torments and heartache a former love has caused you.

A French publication named Public reports that this alleged sex tape will be hitting the internet tomorrow. Paparazzo Jean Claude Elfassi has announced that both he and Public have these “uncensored’ images and will be putting them out there for all to see.

Recently, Adele tweeted “I hate the paparazzi,” which some see as proof that there is indeed a sex tape and she’s pissed that it’s in the hands of the paparazzi. Why else would a celebrity tweet such a statement? It’s not that they’re sick of being hounded or that their privacy is constantly being invaded, it’s because they have a sex tape obviously. If we do the math based on this logic, we can deduce that whenever anyone talks shit about the paparazzi it’s because they have a sex tape.

As to whether or not it’s real, and it probably isn’t, there is a lesson here that we can all learn. Firstly, don’t make a sex tape, and if you do, don’t leave it in the hands of an ex-boyfriend if you plan to rise to stardom and win Grammys for an album that he inspired. Secondly, if you tweet or make a comment anywhere in the world that disses the paparazzi, you are clearly guilty of making a sex tape. Understand?

“The paparazzi sucks.” Shit. I guess that means I have a sex tape, too.