via Starcasm

Alexis Neiers, the Pretty Wild star who served time in jail over the summer for burglarizing Orlando Bloom, is in talks to write her own book.  According to TMZ, the book will be “loosely based on her life.”  The description of the book so far is:  “Think Gossip Girl goes to Hollywood — It is a cautionary tale as well as a guilty pleasure; the reader is plunged into the crazy, out-of-control world of one of Hollywood’s most infamous party girls.”

What possible lessons could Neiers have to teach the aspiring socialites of the world?  I have a few ideas for chapter titles:

  • How to Drop Out of School Under the Pretense of Being “Home-schooled”
  • How to Perfect the Vernacular of an Entitled Calabasas Princess
  • Mom’s Chapter:  How to Mask Your Laziness and Lushness as New-Age Spirituality
  • How to Drape Your Hoodie So You Won’t Be Seen On a Home-Security Camera
  • How to Deflect Questioning So You Almost Start To Believe Your Own Innocence
  • Why A Daily Dose of Adderall Works For Me
  • The Best Way to Hide Your Stolen Loot:  Blatantly Strewn Across the Floor of Your Bedroom
  • How to Work as a Barely-Employed Model and Avoid Being Hassled By Your Parents
  • Paris Hilton Wishes She Started This Young

Oddly enough, reports say that there will be no mention of the time Neiers served in jail in the book.  To which I say: then what is the point of even reading the book?